The Stars on the Staircase

Impending and all Consuming

"He seems like a death eater and a murderer." Letisha's tight smile tells me that she thinks I'm absolutely mad, and if she only could she would shake the man out of my head.

"He is..." I start, trying to find an addition to the sentence, a 'but' or an 'and' that I could divulge that would make my actions seem redeemable. I came up with nothing and so let the sentiment die in the air.

"How can you... be with a death eater... with he-who-must-not-be-named's right hand man... a murderer...? If that doesn't make you sick.... I don't understand who you are." The disappointment rolling off this child was making me sick.

"You are in good company. I can only say that... I do support you all. No matter my ... romantic choices."

"So you lied... you lied to all of them. Pretended for months that you and he weren't together... and let them build trust in you. All the while knowing that you were dangerously close to a dark wizard who, if given his way, would see me stripped of my wand and my place in this world?" She accused with deadly accuracy. I yearned for the hundredth time this week to cry out Severus' innocence.

"I did. I did not set out to hoodwink them... I... There is no excuse. You are correct. They did not have the full information on my situation. I am sorry for my bad decisions." I see no way through but to own up to my wrongdoings. Letisha, the great debater, would doubtless have seen through any weak excuses I provided. As it is, I can tell she expected me to fight her and my apology has deflated her.

"This really hurts me too, you know. I thought you were someone to look up to..." She informed me with all sadness due in the sentence wrapped around an arrow that went right for my heart.

"I'm sorry. If anyone should look up to anyone, it's me to you. I wish I was half as confident and capable at your age. I promise-" my voice cracked and I had to take a breath to finish. "I promise to make sure you have a safe space to brew in so you can continue your mission."

She tried to speak. She filled her lungs with air to say something but it hit a big wall of secret keeping magic and she could not say what she wanted to. She shook her head at me, and took her bag, and left me. I rested my head on my desk and knew if I had any tears left to cry in me I would find them. I had none presently. I was left to explore the edges of the empty void in my chest.

~+~Hovering around the Headmaster~+~

I suddenly had far too much free time. More than half the teachers had stopped speaking to me outright, which meant a giant reduction in my marking and lesson prep. In the absence of having a staff room to patronize, my choices were now my room or Severus'. I began to feel more like his secretary than a teacher's assistant at all.

Not that I minded flitting about the great black shape that was my lover, but the air up in his office was thick with the heavy waiting for something to happen with Potter. Sitting on his hands for the time being was killing him slowly, and the once comfortable silence between us felt loud in my ears.

I had ample time to resume my jewellery making. I could have done so in my own room but I would rather be here for the rare opportunities that I could help him. I made the friendship bracelets that Letisha had begun, adding lots of flat gold beads that could pass hidden messages. I left the piles of the finished ones on her work table in my office and they always disappeared. Our silent agreement that I could be trusted to make these trinkets was our only form of communication lately. I wove them in white and enchanted them to change to the wearer's house colours.

I had been chewing on the topic for some time, but the great heavy silence in the room made me think thrice before I cleared my long silent throat to speak. When I forayed out of our heavy silence I never knew what Severus would sound like across the void. Would he be eager to jump on any conversation to free his mind of torment, or would I pull him from an important thought? Distract him on the edge of a breakthrough?