Aphrodite's Curse

The Fine Print

Thinking about this time puts me back in a spot that I don't enjoy reminiscing on. There is too little story to think up because my days were spent observing the world through my blinded bedroom windows. And my disdain for life at the time grew worse with every unexplained lash-out at myself, another person, or god. That was another thing; religion. Something I had been raised to obey in order to do a good job in life and win myself a gold star. When you're younger it makes sense, the older generation teaches the young how to behave, how to interact, how to not get sent to a place where you'll burn for all eternity for even just having an intrusive thought.

The only problem with this form of teaching religion though, is that it's the hardest to grow out of. I constantly felt restricted and anxious about doing the slightest thing wrong but would also then proceed to feel guilty for being motivated to behave "kindly" since my motivation was just a result of something that had been drained into me, and the cycle would just keep repeating itself. Even when I was younger, I would remember being in my room watching some harmless videos and seeing someone who looked attractive. I would feel a certain way and feel drawn to explore these feelings because I didn't know what they were but felt inclined to express them in some way to let nature run its course. But organized religion hates nature, and I remember to this day reading a children's Bible in my room. It wasn't so bad at first, flipping through the pages. But as I did this and the more devout, I was to skim the ink, the more anxious I became, to where I realized I was reading it because I was afraid, and reading it made me afraid.

I had learned in school, if you wanted to get an answer to something quicker you consult the table of contents. I had a question and needed an answer, so that's what I did. I wanted to figure out how awful of a person I was for thinking the way I did and feeling the way I did. I flipped to the beginning of the book and read through the chapter titles, and there I gazed upon the heading, "The Unforgivable...". My heart caught in my chest as I fumbled through the pages, fingering the paper until I got to the page number that had been displayed. My heart rose to my throat as my eyes widened at the black markings against the white backdrop. My breath paused until I was choking on my own saliva and my mind was reeling through all of the things I could have done wrong. Looking back, I understand that there are many interpretations of the Bible and what exactly it means to do something bad according to what people believe. But as a child who is impressionable and learning about the ways of the world. A book convincing them that the way they feel and the way they should act, causing them to be more restricted and conform, is absolutely fucked.