Seeking Summer

Chapter1 : Making sense of myself

SR : Up, up and away - Chance Peña

          I lay in my room, on my bed, just like every main character at the start of the movie, before she gets this sudden urge to change her life. But what makes me different from her is that she can do it cause she's playing a character she'll lose after the shot is over and there is an audience watching her who doesn't need any explanation on how she was able to change her mind so easily, while I'm just a 22 years old girl that has to play this character for the rest of her life and at same time meet people's expectations irrespective of my state of mind.

But she and I are still somehow common even if it's just for a moment when she lays on her bed, all depressed. What starts to set us apart is when she gets up and decides to move on while I stay right here, unable to do anything.
People clap for her for facing her problems head-on, but no one claps for me when I gather the strength to get up. Although I fail and then come back here again but I think people will never understand how the strength that some people use to solve their problems can be the same amount of strength used by someone just to get themselves out of their beds and do minute tasks of the day.

I'm jealous of actors who can shed their depressed characters after the movie is over...characters like me. I'm jealous cause I can't do that. This is the real me. There's nothing I can become after I lose it. I have to live with myself even though I hate her so much.

I'm tired of how all my friends are moving ahead of me, and living this life just how it is supposed to be lived, and I'm here waiting for something or someone to save me from this life that feels like of an anonymous. I run away from people when they approach me. I'm sacred of giving away my trust. I thought that made me a strong woman, but that only made me lonely. I told myself it is better to be alone than getting into someone's life when my own seems so complicated.

I long for people from my past, but I know they're no longer the same. They've grown up unlike me and became what was expected out of them, while I remained here trying to make sense of myself when I should already know myself better than everyone else. I was involved in others' lives all my life. Listening to their problems, trying to solve them, trying to know them, their likes and dislike, making them laugh, and giving all of me to have some of them. And in the course of these years, I didn't even realsie I will soon be depleted of who I am. And now I just don't have anything to give to anyone. I'm like a void waiting to be filled again. Waiting for others to give me back what I gave to them. But everyone moves on, not looking back even once. And I lay here watching them leave.

I feel like I'm the only character in my movie, and I'm the only audience as well.

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AN: Hey dear readers👋

Thank you for showing interest in this story and for being here. I am grateful to you for reading this, and I would appreciate it if you left some comments too🤍. (Also, please do vote. It would motivate me so much🗳✨️)

You can ask me any questions. 😊
I'm a new writer here, and I'm definitely looking forward to creating a fun community around my work and stories.

Also, a new chapter will come on every Sunday or even more frequently, so stay tuned.🫶💜

IMPORTANT:
'SR' at the top of the chapter means 'Song Recommendation'. I'll add SR on top of every chapter so you can play it while reading and experience the story better.
I highly recommend you listen to the songs Recommendation of every chapter, and I promise your reading experience will be elevated.

Thank you and take care.🌻

Ps: Credits of the picture used in the chapter goes to kosmiklia on Instagram.