Edward Snowden, An American Werewolf in Russia

She's Pregnant? Well, in Any Case I Certainly Hope Our Baby Isn't A Werewolf

I don't even bother trying to go to sleep here. Knowing me, I could very well blackout and do something too horrendous to even conceive.

And yet, I'm too exhausted to stay up. This has been one hell of a day.

As I try to fall asleep, an attractive young woman appears at the door.

"Let me guess," I tell her. "You're Anna Chapman, right?"

She stares at me.

"Don't fool me!" I tell her. "I can totally see through your disguise!"

"What? No, Ed, it's me!" she declares. "I'm your girlfriend! When I heard you were in Russia, I realized I couldn't stand and let this happen to you!"

"What are you referring to specifically?" I ask.

"Well, that depends," she tells me. "What happened to you?"

"What hasn't happened to me?" I ask her. "Well, for starters, I kicked Obama's ass."

"You mean that metaphorically speaking, right?" she asks. "Like, you kicked his ass at basketball?"

I want to respond, but before I can say a single word, Anna herself appears. Among the three of us, it's hard to say who looks the most surprised.

"Edward...." she says. "you're....cheating on me!"

"Well, actually, she was a setup by Putin," he tells me. "You know, to get secrets...."

"Secrets?" she asks. "Great, now along with being a monster and cheating on me, he's a government traitor!"

"Edward?" asks the spy. "What is going on here? Who is your friend?"

Shit, this is something that even transforming into a werewolf won't be able to fix.

"Um..." I say. "I really need to use the bathroom. For, like, the rest of the evening."

They both look at me skeptically, but more or less buy it.

No sooner do I enter the bathroom than I receive a phone call. Taking a look, I notice it's a President. However, due to the nature of the call, it's difficult to tell if it's Obama or Putin. At this point, I'm not sure who I hate more.

Sure enough, it's Joe Biden.

"Hey, there, Eddie, what's up?" he says. "You doing well, or are you barking at the moon?"

"Joe, does Obama know you're doing this?" I ask.

"That's enough of that, Joe," says Obama, confiscating the phone away from Joey Biden.

"I'll have to apologize for my friend here," he tells me. "As I was saying, Obama, we just got some information from Russia. Apparently-"

I want to hear, but then I hear my girlfriend knocking on the door, and it's so faint it's impossible for me to hear. Jesus.

"Edward!" she's saying, slamming her fist at the door.

"I'll be there in a minute!" I yell back at her.

"You've been saying that for the past half hour!" she says. "Come out, I have some important news for you. For us, actually. It's kind of the reason I'm here."

Curious, I open the door. I mean, if she's willing to go cross-country just to share this special news with me, it must be really neat & important.

"What is it?" I ask, quite curious.

She starts pointing to her belly.

"You're getting fat?" I ask. "Don't worry, we can talk to Obama's wife about that."

"What? No, dumbass!" she snaps. "The reason I can here was because, well...I'm pregnant."

"You are?" I ask.

"Yes I am," she says, smiling, and giving me a hug.

"Wait a minute," I tell her. "You dump me over something ridiculous, and now you want me to father your baby? Are you kidding me?"

"Look," she says, grabbing my hand in an "understanding" tone of voice. (I honestly don't know whether or not to take her feelings seriously here.) "I didn't mean to hurt you or anything. It's just that...I don't want a werewolf baby clawing out of me."

I ponder for a bit, then say "Really? That's why you dumped me?"

"Well...yeah," she tells me.

"Woah, woah, woah, woah," I tell her. "I didn't become a werewolf until after she was conceived. I don't know what you think you have to worry about."

"I don't have anything to worry about?" she tells me. "You know you can still imprint on our little baby. Also, how do you know she's not a girl? Did you just assume her gender?"

Okay, I knew she was pretty crazy, but who'd ever thought that my girlfriend was a PC thug?

But about one nanosecond after she asks me, I suddenly fell to the ground, totally unconscious. I couldn't hear either one of my lady friends, but I could certainly understand them. Man, could I understand them.

"Are you okay?" says Anna, putting a hand to my forehead.

"He looks pretty banged out," says my girlfriend. "Should we take him to a hospital?"

"Not sure," replies Anna. "He doesn't feel very hot, even if he is."

"You know he's, like, in a coma right now?" says my girlfriend. "Now's not the time to be hitting on him. Anyways, if you did, I would totally cut you right now."

I peer at the both of them. I swear to God, it's only one blank stare from becoming a full-blown catfight. Which in a sense, it kind of is already.

Then, complete blackout. I lost all five senses, so I can't even hear them.

I really hope nothing happens this time.