"That's the date of my parents' marriage" she stated. There was a silence that infiltrated her bedroom. Grabbing the frame again and she stared at it for awhile. Slowly her body began to stabilise and calm down. And instead she began to gaze at it in awe. It was her mothers wedding bouquet and it was beautiful.
She did feel upset thinking about her father once again but seeing the flowers made her smile. It made her smile because she somehow felt closer to him even though she had never met him.
An unanticipated eagerness accumulated into her. Placing it down carefully, Deiji continued to look through the box in hopes to find more treasures. That was when she pulled out something more precious than anything she found so far.
Her mothers diary
○
Never in her life did Deiji feel this strong compassion in wanted to flick through pages filled with letter and read it. That diary was all she could think about since it landed in her hands.
However, she never got to opening it as her mother entered into the house at the exact time. It was probably a sign to not sneak through other peoples property. But the rebellious person she is, she believed that she had to keep that status up. Therefore, Deiji furtively kept it hidden in her room.
But that moment when she realised that her mother returned was catastrophic. Her heart roared out so loud she did not know that it was capable of it. In an instant, both Sungchan and her quickly tidied the scene spick and span like it was some sort of crime scene they had to vanquish of no evidence.
She hoped that she could've at least read it during the night but Deiji fell asleep as she waited for the clock to strike midnight. So now here she was in class staring at the others students unable to even pay attention nor do what she wanted to do.
Not because she couldn't but because her mind had drifted elsewhere. She took in the rest of her classmates and felt awfully different from them
Excluded more like
There were times she felt like she didn't fit in. School or anywhere.
She's 18. Only 18.
She never understood how adults and teachers expect you to just know what to do with life at the mere age of 18. Making such a big decision to figure out that one career for the rest of your life is ridiculous.
Isn't that just so stressful? Scary?
But why is it that she was the only one who was clueless? The rest of the students seem to have dreams they want to pursue. She on the other hand does not. Deiji began to realise how she never really valued education as everyone else.
But this terrified her. What if she was taking the wrong path? Why is it that everyone followed one while she took a detour? On top of that, there were times when Deiji overheard their conversations where they complained that their parents wouldn't be satisfied with their grades. It made her realise that their parents push them to study better. But why did her mother not?
At that moment, her mind flooded with Sungchans words.
"To me it seems like she actually does care about you even though you think she doesn't. Maybe she's just not good at showing it?"
No it can't be true. There are so many reasons to believe that she doesn't care . . . yet why is it that every time she repeats his words in her brain her heart aches. A painful throbbing sensation that was indicating that perhaps he is correct and she is just denying it.
Clenching her fists tight, Deiji dropped her sight to her open bag where her mothers diary lay inside. Pulling it out, she placed it on her desk and faced it with terror.
The answers all lie within it. All of her mothers thoughts, opinions and every true emotion she has ever felt in this whole world. It were written clearly right there in each and every page and all Deiji had to do was to open it to prove that she was correct and Sungchan was indeed wrong.
If she didn't . . . then she'd feel guilty for her behaviour and would never be able to forgive herself.
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I wanted to write differently this time. Not even sure if it is obvious though but I'm trying to dig deeper into the characters minds and their feelings in a way that can help the reader connect with them. So that you can understand why they act in a certain way to certain things. I don't know if I am doing a good job at it but do give tips if it isn't working.
And if you don't like it and I should go back to writing in the style of my previous books, let me know. I don't think I will write like this from now on wards in every single one of my future works, but it just seemed appropriate with this book because of the characters and the flow. But do tell me, I'm open to critical feedback and honest opinions.
Apart from that, how are you guys finding it so far? I know it's going slow and that Chenle hasn't entered yet but trust me, it will get more interesting in a few chapters.
