Lilly & Leclerc ~ [CL 16]

33. I Miss(ed) You

My foot hasn't stopped tapping against the carpeted floor of the hotel suite in complete excitement.

Since arriving via chauffeur an hour ago I've showered, unpacked and ordered fresh icy bottles of water to the room to almost chug after the dry air of the plane. Charles gave me strict instructions to get 'whatever, whenever' in his text I received on landing. I didn't quite want to take full advantage of that yet, I'm hoping to grab dinner with Charles when he makes it back from the team base at the track. After all, he promised in the same text he wouldn't be more than an hour later than originally planned. The last time we ate together was eleven days ago before he left for Bahrain. Since then our meals together have failed to exist, even via FaceTime our conversations have been too short and sweet to consider adding food to the mix.

Instead, we've been quietly communicating when our (Charles's) schedule allows. It could be quiet video call before he sleeps, or texts throughout the day, if I'm lucky we can grab a quick lunch together over the phone (as in I eat and he works between conversations) where he tells me the ins and out of his day and me the same. It often resulted in Charles being dragged away mid conversation.

Charles had warned me (several times) that the start of the year would be hectic, stressful and most of all overwhelming. He had tried to prepare me, as best he could, for how little spare time he would have. How little time we would have. And I had listened. I had believed him. I just hadn't believed that it would be quite this difficult or intense.

Straight after new years on January 3rd I had flown back to London, Luke and Cara in tow. Meanwhile, Charles had stayed behind in Italy to embark on an intense Italian two week training camp. It was so full on that for most days I was lucky to even receive a single text letting me know he was still alive. His days were spent scaling mountains and back country skiing (sometimes leaving before the sun even came up and not returning until the sky was dark again). When he wasn't outdoors he was in the gym, with his physio or planning the following days activities. Meanwhile, Maddie and I were taste testing our remaining Christmas wines with dinner each night. The health divide in our relationship had never been so clear - a fact Charles thought was hilarious.

From the camp Charles drove straight to Maranello, spending days on the simulator at Ferrari and sitting with engineers before the new season. He managed to escape for a few days here and there, presenting himself quietly at the front door of my flat most Thursday nights with an excited grin. But, by February he was exhausted and for some light relief I suggested I meet him for a long weekend in Monaco instead of London, allowing him to rest at home with his family and me by his side. Charles had never looked so happier than when I suggested we stay home and nap between Netflix shows for the whole weekend instead of going out for dinner. The relieved expression on his face almost made my heart explode. Instead I just repeated how much I loved him and insisted he played me the piano as entertainment on the Saturday night.

On Valentine's Day, or from here on known as a Ferrari launch day, I answered the door to bunches and bunches of beautiful white flowers along with Chanel earrings and a handwritten note from Charles. I had called him in grateful tears as he pulled on his race suit for the press event. Charles had already discovered my card which I had tucked in a quiet pocket of his suitcase and thanked me in the hours before. "I thought we agreed no gifts." I had scolded him whilst clipping the earrings to me over the call. The words and my lack of resistance only made him grin.

"I can't not be with you and not get you anything baby." Is all he mumbled, half distracted by the papers being endlessly slid infront of him by people in red polo's and shouts of Italian.

Things haven't slowed down since the launch, despite Charles half heartedly assuring me they would.

The changes in management and structure at Ferrari meant that they needed Charles more than ever. He and Carlos were the one consistent in the team, gluing everyone (both the team and supporters) together. Thus, most of the quality time we had planned in the first quarter of the year was rearranged for later dates. Our belated Valentine's Day date was cancelled as Charles instead spent the weekend viewing houses and flats close to Maranello, weary of endless hotel stays and staff fussing over him. He only managed to escape to London for a grand total of two days before testing began just over a week ago. Even then, he spent half the time answering his phone, replying to emails and speaking thoughtful Italian with me wrapped up in his arms. When we weren't tied together he was working out, running or making use of a quiet corner in the gym attached to our apartment building.