Lilly & Leclerc ~ [CL 16]

25. Instagram

"You're going to die!" Maddie cheers stumbling into the living room. The two of us have been battling through exhaustion after getting up at 5am for qualifying. I'm pretty sure Maddie spent most of the hour watching me, and not our television. I was perched on the end of the sofa wrapped in a fluffy blanket watching as Charles battled for the top spots. Maddie just eyed me, working out my every reaction and poking me with a teasing smile on her face each time a shot of Charles was shown.

He placed P2, actually enjoying pushing on the track for the first time...well, ever. You could see it on him so clearly, the relieved yet excited grin when he pulled his helmet off was infectious, Maddie had coo'ed and poked at my side harder when I reflected his expression. It was just that I knew how much this meant to him, especially there. His happiness is infectious. Charles had called me after and told me himself how much it meant. That actually, for the first time he was able to semi-enjoy the track, the past not haunting him the way it previously has.

The problem is tomorrow, the race. I think he was trying not to focus on that for now, taking his second place on the grid for what it is - something good. The call ended pretty soon afterwards, Charles excusing himself to shower and finally sleep. I didn't protest or say 'five minutes' like I probably would've two weeks ago, I just let him go. The tense silences between our conversation topics had been making a rocking nausea rake over my body.

I was relieved to see him leave my phone screen.

We haven't moved on in the slightest from those three words, we're just ignoring it all. It was a silent mutual agreement, one that I'm happy about. The words haven't been spoken about or repeated by either of us.

Each morning when Charles FaceTimes me before I head out to work we smile and dance through the conversation awkwardly. We don't speak, not really. Not about anything of substance. Nothing that matters. It's all just...awkward light small talk that we could have with any stranger on the street; I'm pretty sure I saw a video of Charles having the same conversation with a fan as he did with me. I feel as though we've forgotten how to be around eachother and I'm too scared to comment on it - Charles is too.

It sucks.

I miss Charles so much. I miss having him here, I miss hearing about his day (really hearing about his day), I miss seeing his genuine smile when my video loads for him and for the first time in a day or two he see's me. His eyes always get extra glowy when that happens. I miss...everything him about him from before he said those three words.

To stop myself from sitting and overanalysing everything that's ever happened between us I've been heading into the office for work. Everyday. I'm exhausted from it.

The problem is, on the way out I have to pass the spot where he said it. Those words. Where the words I love you left his lips as he stared at me so carefully, as if I might break, knowing that somewhere inside a part of me was breaking. Each morning I can hear him repeat the words in my head. I can see the understanding glaze to his eyes as my thoughts spiralled, the panic running through me faster than any car he's ever drove - and that's really saying something.

Charles doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves better. He needs someone better. Someone who can say (or maybe even openly feel) those three words without a choking hot fire taking over their whole chest.

Maybe someone who knows his life better? Someone in the Formula one world, who can speak the same language as him and can drop everything to be there and support him whenever he needs. Someone who can give him everything I can't. Or maybe just someone who just isn't as damaged and traumatised from their heartbreak as me.

"You seriously need a therapist." Maddie had pointed out when I told her my thoughts through silent sniffles. She had been looking at me with the most confused expression I've ever seen before rolling her eyes and walking out of my bedroom. Maddie didn't understand. She walked away because she knew there was nothing she could say that would make my thoughts, or the situation, better. Luke always knew when to give me space, Amber too, it appears Maddie has finally caught onto their way of thinking.