Devil Like Me

They Don't Love You

Jisung can hear the people around him speaking, discussing his most recent scandal, but the words aren't quite reaching him. He feels like he's underwater, hearing muffled and vision swimming.

"Isn't that right, Han?" A voice cuts through the fog in his brain, forcing him to look up. He meets eyes with his manager across the table. "Right."

"See? He's perfectly content with the sacrifices he's making. His group owes him their success, no?" She shuffles some of the papers in front of her, pulling out magazine clippings.

"Just look how often they're in the news nowadays. This never would've happened if it wasn't for Han's behaviour." His manager sounds proud, but a deep and acidic shame eats him from the inside out.

He's not the person in the clippings, he thinks. Pictures of him in clubs attached to women he'd never met before sit in front of him. He feels sick.

"Well, as long as it keeps 3Racha in the news, then it can't really hurt," somebody on his team says. He bites back a laugh. It doesn't hurt the band, but Jisung has had an ache in his chest from the first day. The meeting continues, but nobody speaks another word to him.

Afterwards, his manager walks him back to the dorms. "Now remember, Han. The company party is tonight. We'd love to see you cause a scene. I have people ready to record you at any second so we can leak the footage."

"Okay." His stomach is twisting in knots as his hand rests on the door handle. "Does it have to be like this?" He asks suddenly, turning to his manager.

"I didn't realize you wanted to lose everything you've worked so hard for, Han. If your band's ready for their careers to end, then no. But is that really what you want?" She's speaking gently like she cares so much about him. As if she wants to keep him safe. He knows it's stupid, but he believes her.

"You're right. I'll see you later, then." He slips inside the dorm, sighing. Chan barely glances up at him as he walks towards his room.

"How was the meeting?" The older boy asks. Jisung shrugs, taking a quick detour to pour himself a glass of water. He feels like he's suffocating.

"Wow, I feel so enlightened," Chan says dryly, turning to face him. "Why don't you talk to me anymore, Han-ah?"

"Hyung, it was just a meeting."

"You always come back looking so miserable. I just wish I knew what was going on, you know? What if I went with you?" Chan stands, approaching Jisung cautiously. Jisung shakes his head, clutching the glass tight enough that he wonders if it'll break. He wishes it would.

"They're just meetings for me , hyung. You know that." Jisung reaches out to squeeze Chan's arm gently, offering a small smile in an effort to look reassuring. Chan doesn't return it. Instead he turns, closing his laptop and picking up his gear. "Right," he says. "You know, Han, I don't even really know you anymore. It really hurts, losing you. I hope we get you back someday." Chan looks at him, frowning. When Jisung doesn't reply, he shakes his head and disappears into his room.

The tightness in Jisung's chest doesn't let up. It constricts his lungs until it feels like he can't breathe, hot tears pooling in his eyes. He quickly shuts himself in his bedroom, knees giving out before he can make it to his bed.

As he gasps for breath he thinks that the worst part of all of this is that he has to do it alone. Over the years he pushed all of his friends and family away until he was completely and utterly alone. While he's gotten good at dealing with it all by himself, he doesn't think it's fair he has to. It's times like these, he thinks, he could really use somebody.