Going The Distance

Chapter Nine - Last Hope

"Scared?"

"What if she grows up and hates me Jacks? I gave her away. She'll think I didn't want her."  Nothing was furtherer from the truth. I had wanted her, I still wanted her, but she had deserved more, she had deserved attention that I just couldn't give.

"I don't think she'll think that at all." Jackson replied. "You gave her life, and a home. You did the very best that you at 15 could have. You are a mother, even though you're not her mom."

Jackson's words hit me in the heart. I had never thought of it that way, but he was right, I was a mother... In one way or another.

"There isn't a day that passes where I don't think about her. She consumes me. I miss her with everything I have inside of my soul. I don't think I ever really let her go, I tried, but she has this hold on me, it's been two years and I feel like I'm connected to her." I whispered.

"You are."

"She wouldn't know me if I showed up. I haven't called, I haven't visited, and I haven't sent things." I sat up. "I know Mom and Dad visit her. They tried to keep it from me, to protect me I guess... but I found photos."

I'd been looking for an address, Alice was about 18 months old and I wanted to send something, I'd built up the courage to reach out. I found a box in my parents' closet, filled to the brim with photos of the baby I had not held since birth and they were in a lot of them. I hadn't been hurt they visited, they were her grandparents after all, and I'd been hurt they kept it from me. But I couldn't get angry, not when I was hiding my own secrets, so it was just another thing I held inside.

"Photos?" Jackson questioned.

"Of Mom, Dad, Her parents... and her. She looks like me."

Her hair was the same deep red, she was entirely more beautiful though, as perfect as she could be.

"I'd go with you, you know." Jackson said sitting up. "To see her if you wanted too."

I turned to look at him, his eyes were heavy lidded, his smile faint, I wanted to run my fingers across his face, to feel the rise and falls. To drink him in through my fingers. How was this one person so incredibly sweet, how had I gone from having no friends, to regaining the most amazing friend imaginable?

"You'd do that?"

His eyes glinted under the moonlight and he nodded, he leaned forward slightly, until his head was beside mine. I didn't move, I trusted him, because I knew he wouldn't do anything I wasn't ready for.

"Amber, I'd do just about anything for you." He whispered, his words hit the lobes of my ears, sending shivers down my spine, igniting something inside my body I didn't even know could be ignited.

I smiled, pure adrenalin almost brought my lips to his, but instead I refocused the energy and stood up. Last hope by Paramore was playing on the radio. I closed my eyes and let the music envelope me. I began to dance, forgetting I wasn't alone, forgetting Jackson was there. I bared my soul and danced like it was all I knew. I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as I moved, the raw emotion that escaped me was like nothing else. It was scary but it was also liberating.

As the song ended I stopped, Jackson was standing. He wasn't smiling anymore, but I could tell he was thinking something. He stepped forward, walking toward me until our hands grazed each another's. My eyes still had tears falling he sighed softly, lifting his hands until he could wipe them away. "Break me, instead of breaking yourself."

"Jackson..."

He let his hand drop to my chin, lifting it ever so slightly. Not once did his eyes move from mine. I relaxed, he had me and my heart in the palm of his hand, I had no idea what was happening between us, I hadn't since I'd been back. It had been an instant shift the minute we had reconnected at the airport, but I didn't want to question it anymore, I had never felt the way I did in Jackson's presence.