The Chronicles of Jo-kiel

TWENTY SEVEN: Zadkiel

"92,93,94,95..." I took a deep breath and began all over again to count randomly as I stared blankly at the ceiling.

"You're seriously not going to school, today?" Gabriel asked and I glanced at him. He was already dressed with his bag resting on one of his shoulders. I nodded and looked away from him, "you've never missed school, Zadkiel. What's wrong? You have been acting so different the past few days, you've been avoiding us and I haven't seen you pray in ...."

"This isn't the right time to talk about this" I snapped before he could complete his statement. I don't want to hear it. I know what's going on with me and I don't need the cause of it rubbing it on my face, "go to school, Gabriel. I want to be alone"

He immediately clenched his jaw and glared at me for a few seconds before his shoulders sagged and he let out a breath, "alright then, I'll see you later" he adjusted the strap of the bag on his shoulder, then walked out of the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I inhaled deeply once I heard the door close behind him, then slowly breathed out. I hadn't planned on skipping school today, if anything I wanted to go and overwork myself till I forget everything that was going on with my life. But the moment I opened my eyes I was clouded with everything I wished to forget, it kept me shackled to the bed and made me just want to disappear from the surface of the Earth.

"I'm not doing this today" I mumbled when the heaviness in my chest seemed to have increased. I dragged my duvet over my head and faced the wall, hoping to sleep throughout today.

I tried for a while to sleep but after a while, I gave up. It was too dark, too quiet and too lonely for me to sleep. I'm trying to avoid my reality but instead, I'm encountering it in my room.

Only if I didn't ask God to leave me alone, I could have run to him. He would help.

I felt a clog in my throat at the thought of how alone I truly am without him. Tears pooled in my eyes and I let out deep breaths to keep the tears from falling, but I failed drastically. I miss him. I miss having someone to run home to even when standing amid a crowd, he would welcome me home right there. He was always there for me, but now I've pushed him away.

"He lied to you though, he kept you from the truth" The thought rang in my ears and I immediately clenched my jaw. He didn't have to keep the truth from me. Why did he have to keep it from me?

"To protect you"

I don't need protection. I didn't need protection. What I needed was the truth. That was what could have protected me. The truth and only the truth.

"It wouldn't have."

I fisted my hands and held back a sob. Maybe it did. Maybe keeping the truth protected the younger version of me, but it's not protecting me now. It's killing me!

"Can't you see it's killing me? Is this your protection?!" I sobbed out and everywhere seemed more quiet than before.

"Yes" he whispered after a while and I nearly screamed in frustration. "This is my protection."

I scoffed and shook my head. This was too ridiculous for me. I buried my head into my pillow and willed so strongly that I would sleep off.

But I never did. Thoughts after thoughts sweeper through my mind as I tried to figure out how keeping the truth from me was protecting me. It made no sense. No sense.

"You really could have just told me the truth, Lord. It would have protected me a whole lot better than this" I puffed up a breath and sat up on my bed.

Being alone isn't working, I have to find something else. I looked around the room I've shared with Gabriel for the past 3 years, hoping to find something to pass time with when all of a sudden an idea popped into my head.