The Chronicles of Jo-kiel

FIFTEEN: Jophiel

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE AND VIOLENCE ARE MENTIONED AHEAD (FROM THE 11TH PARAGRAPH - THE 26TH PARAGRAPH)

I heaved a breath at the serenity of the garden. I had come here because I knew it would be quiet and I expected comfort from the silence but instead of the comfort I expected, it made the heaviness in my chest more prominent and a little harder to bear. I pulled my legs closer to my chest and buried my face in my thighs as tears trickled down my face. I had thought going to Zadkiel would validate my pain, I had thought it would make me feel a little better, but all it has done was slap me hard in the face with the truth.

The truth that I wasn't ready to bare. It was easier to blame God than it was to blame them. It was easier to say God let it happen rather than saying they willingly hurt me. Blaming God was so much easier than facing the harsh truth and I wanted to play the blame game a little more. I wanted to heap it all on God. That way I could keep living like all that happened was okay, that it was all metaphysical.

"Humans have free will, so someone hurt you? Okay, blame them! Hold them responsible for their actions! They did it! They! not God!" Zadkiel's voice rang in my ears and it felt like my chest was pierced with a knife. The truth was too harsh. I wanted to keep blaming God, it kept me safe. It made everything easier. But I can't do that anymore, not after I've been slapped with the truth.

My body shook as I tried to hold in my sob, I don't want to cry for them anymore. My eyes burned and so did my throat as I tried to keep the tears in. I gripped my arms and swallowed thickly "1... 2... 3..." I began counting like I always did back in the dark room. It distracted me from everything going on around me.

"It's okay, little one" a familiar voice whispered as the wind brushed against my skin and I immediately snapped my head up. I searched around frantically for the person I know very well the voice belonged to but there was no one around. I quickly wiped away my tears to make sure I was seeing clearly and when I confirmed there was no one around, I immediately scrambled to my feet and tried to run out when I misstepped and twisted my ankle.

"Ahh!" I moaned as I fell on my butt, my hands immediately reached for my ankle and enclosed around it but the mere pressure of my hands on it seemed to worsen the pain.

Tears welled up in my eyes again and this time I didn't bother holding them in, I just let them trickle down my cheeks as I held my ankle. "Why must everything go wrong with my life!? Why? Can't I just get peace!? If I can't get peace, just kill me! Just kill me!" I yelled at the air as the tears trickled down my face. "Just please..." I hiccupped, "Please just kill me" I sobbed out and in a second a cool breeze engulfed me, almost like I was being hugged by someone and that made me cry even more.

"You should rest, little one" the same voice whispered again and this time I didn't bother looking for the owner, there was no need to. He wasn't here and I was too tired to search. "It's okay" I heard the voice again and I felt my energy slowly slip out of me without giving it a second thought, I laid down on the cold floor of the garden and slept off.

My body trembled lightly as the cold sent shivers down my spine, I cuddled myself tightly and tried to suppress the cold but it only intensified. Why is it so cold? I let out a shaky breath and slowly opened my eyes. The moment my eyes were opened, I immediately sprang up from my laying position.

The entire place was pitch black, I could barely make out anything. My eyes took a while to adjust to the darkness and even when they did, I still couldn't see a thing and my body instantly went into panic mode.

I remember sleeping off in the garden but this doesn't feel like the garden. It was very dark and too cold. I squinted and tried to make out anything from the darkness that surrounded me when I was immediately hit with a foul stench and I felt a bile rise in my throat as my eyes widened. Not at how horrible the stench was, but at how familiar it was.