yes to heaven - xiaoven ↲⠀✔️⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀

iii. as one with wind and cloud

kazuha
—

wind flutters the heart
with fresh spring feelings anewed
bye, crystal winter.

love, like a bloomed rose
grows into beauty in time
you, are my blossom.

you flutter my heart
so spring reminds me of you
i love you,

— kaedehara kazuha
[wanderer of heart]

i erase the third line again. every time i rewrite it, i just can't seem to make it 5 syllables. the only thing i could think of was to add heizou's name at the end somewhere, but that would be too embarrassing. i start to wonder if it's too sappy, if heizou would even like it.

the sun spits its golden rays in my eyes. the sky is finally waking up, after a lovely nap. the world starts blooming with life. i am always awake earlier, i enjoy watching the sunrise. 

heizou stirs awake besides me, smiling as he wakes beside me. we're both early risers, unlike venti. scaramouche also manages to wake up somewhat early, but venti's alway dead until maybe eleven.

"rise and shine, love," heizou stands up, hugging me from behind. i'm glad i have him, in a world where nearly everyone is willing to degrade you to bits. i'm glad i have venti and scaramouche as well. i really don't know what i'd do without any of them.

there's a scream in the kitchen, followed by a lot of crashing. heizou and i both run out, to see scaramouche with flour all over his face, three frying pans on the floor, and a green haired boy standing there with two eggs in his hand.

"what the hell," heizou states shortly. my reaction is somewhat the same. to top it all off, we've never seen the green hair guy ever. 

"pancakes are fucking rats," scaramouche grumbles, wiping the flour out of his eyes, "worthless stupid rats."

"uh who's the stranger?" heizou questions.

"oh this is xiao. venti fished him off the bridge at like three in the morning," scaramouche shrugs. 

"why were you at the bridge at three in the morning?" i question.

"unalive," scaramouche shoots me a slight glare, and i don't ask anything else.

"well, nice to meet you xiao. i'm kaedehara kazuha, and this is shikanoin heizou, my boyfriend," i smile. it's a fake smile. today is my parent's death anniversary. i don't think that should be the first thing i mention though.

only heizou's noticed so far, but my eyes are still somewhat puffy from crying. maybe it's the white bangs that lay in front of my eyes, that conceal my sadness.

"i'll help clean up," heizou slightly rolls his eyes before chuckling a little.

"hey xiao, i can lend you some of my clothes and stuff, come with me," i suggest. the boy looks ragged, his clothes have stains on them from who knows what. it reminds me of the time i looked like that, in the same mental state. 

"n-no need-"

"i insist."

he follows me into my shared room. i notice him throw a few looks at venti....could it be...? i'm most likely reading too far into the situation, there are probably no romantic feelings involved. who said xiao can't just simply be thankful for being saved, or if he's even attracted to boys?

"not to be intrusive, but were you crying?" xiao looks at me. his question is....startling. i thought no one else had noticed.

"oh it's fine, thank you for asking," i reply, "it's my parents death anniversary, or the day i became an orphan."

"i'm sorry for your loss," xiao nods. he does that a lot, i've noticed, "is that why you live with venti?"

"long story is, my parents were murdered. rest of my family refused to take me in, so i was living on the bridge, barely surviving. venti found me, and offered me a home here."

"will we visit them," he asks.

"yes, of course. we'll go in the evening," i reply, skimming through the messy closet, looking for some semi decent looking clothes, "here, these should manage for the time being."

"thank you so much."

"this is a safe space. we're all here to help you, xiao. don't be afraid to talk to us if you need something," i smile. he simply nods back. not one of blooming emotions, i see.

the day flies by, through what seems like a minute is actually an hour. night time comes before i thought it would, like the awaited time was impatient for me to greet it. i feel bad for xiao, he's barely been a day with us and we're dragging him to a graveyard, but at the same time, maybe this shows that he's getting a little more comfortable with us. he and scaramouche especially get along. 

the evening's sun reflects off of scara's hair, and it makes him look even prettier. don't get me wrong, i love heizou and would never even think of cheating on him. but that doesn't dismiss the fact that scara is insanely beautiful. i say that as platonically as i possibly can.

venti's walking quietly beside us, which is really out of character for the usually playful and teasing boy. something seems to be consuming his mind. xiao, perhaps? i don't linger on it.

there are chrysanthemums in my right hand, and a family picture from seven years ago in my left, as we cross the bridge. the graveyard isn't that far, everything is at a walking distance from where we live.

i look up the partly cloudy sky and smile. i wonder, are mom and dad watching from the heavens? do they smile at me, for finding somewhere to be safe, or laugh at me, when i say cringy things to heizou. do they wipe happy tears out of their eyes when i am genuinely happy?

the wind picks up, ruffling my hair. it feels so good-

"NO!" i scream. the picture slips out of my grip, flapping around the edge of the bridge. my hesrt goes at a crazy rate, beyond normal i'm pretty sure, and tears well up in my eyes,

xiao jumps up to catch the fluttering photograph, but it's to no avail. the picture just barely jumps out of his slender fingers, slowly drifting down to the murky water below. i watch as the water swallows it slowly, as if it was savoring the little happiness i had left from this day.

i slump down on the bridge, softly sniffling. i am beyond disappointed. in an age where phones exist, most people probably wouldn't care. but i do. they left that picture to me, as a family treasure. how dare i just drop it?

heizou rubs my back and kisses my cheek, enveloping me in a hug. he doesn't say anything, and i appreciate that. i don't want the stereotypical "it's ok", because it's not. 

venti sends a sad look towards me, and xiao and scara just bow their heads in a slight gesture of some mix between pity and sadness, and a spritz of guilt from xiao's side, for not being able to catch it properly. how i wish i could hug him, and tell him that i appreciate him trying.

i look up at him, glancing at his golden eyes. i send a sad smile through my messy tears. 

"xiao, here's a reason to live. to protect that which no one else would care about after you."