Never Let Go

Chapter 14

Nightmares plague my exhausted sleep. Instead of guards eventually coming to my rescue, hours pass with only Fleetfire for company. At some point, the wind picks up, bringing a chill that winds its way into my bones. At first, I think the sound is just the wind sighing through the trees. But as it gets progressively louder, something in my mind tells me it's not.

When I hear the voices—seeming to come from everywhere and yet nowhere—I suck in a breath so hard it makes me cough. "You can't escape your past, Lauren." "It will always be a part of you." The words are now permanently etched in my brain, haunting me in nightmares and daydreams. I'm not sure when, but at some point in the past few months, I somehow fell back into that vicious cycle of self-loathing.

I meant what I said to Ethan: I let the king turn me into something I wasn't—a meek, quiet girl who blended into the shadows. Though I had a few happy memories of Moonbright, if I was being honest, the bad experiences outweighed the good. I hate who I was—a girl who let herself be bullied and taunted for years. Who was too scared to stand up for herself.

When I met Ethan, my broken self had begun to heal. I tried my hardest to start anew, to pretend the past had never happened, too afraid of what would happen if my secret were to get out.

A flash of memory suddenly jolts through my brain, so violent that I jerk awake, shuddering and biting back a cry. We'd just reached the forest, the impending panic attack clouding my senses. Neither Fleetfire nor I had noticed the horse and rider approaching us until I heard the panting of another horse. A flash of black hair was all I saw before I went flying through the air.

Yet it had been enough for recognition to flood my veins a heartbeat before the pain did. I'd know that hair color anywhere; I'd be able to recognize it even if I was blind. The only question is, why did my father attack me? Could he have been lying in wait for me, or had it just been the wrong place, wrong time?

My grip is white-knuckled on the blankets, my breathing sharp and ragged through clenched teeth. Various emotions hit me like lightning, giving me little time to adjust before the next strike. Anger; confusion; pain; grief; fear. What had he said to me all those months ago in one of the various nightmares?

"'You can't escape your past, Lauren. Sooner or later, it'll catch up to you.'"

And it has, I realize with a shudder. The nightmares and flashbacks—they're all permanent reminders of my time at Moonbright. My father is probably the most chilling reminder of all. I may have escaped the king's clutches, but I'll never escape the PTSD, anxiety, and depression that resulted from my time there.

As if he hears my thoughts, Ethan stirs, rolling over to face me. His eyes are clear and alert as they focus on me. "What's up?" he whispers, and only then do I realize I'm shaking.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. A glance out the nearest window reveals night still blanketing the grounds, the moon shining high in the sky. If I were to guess, I'd say it was midnight. I'd only gone to sleep a few hours earlier. I take another breath, letting it out slowly.

"Take your time," he says, eyes locked on mine. He shifts to grip my clammy hand in his warm one, the contact sending shivers down my spine. I open and close my mouth several times—each time, the words sit on my tongue, unspoken. Fear jolts down my spine as I realize the implications of what I've yet to say.

The news could potentially change everything. Before that thought even fully forms, another takes its place, equally as shocking. All this time, I've been wondering about the identity of the mysterious spy that the king had mentioned to my father. How did it take so long for me to figure it out?

It's been staring me in the face this whole time; I'd been too distracted by the nightmares and everything else happening. The king's words surface in my mind, harsh and cold. "'According to my spy, she has nightmares almost every night that leaves her gasping as she wakes.'"