Random stuff

_I'm Scared_

(TW: Death, school shootings, transphobia, homophobia, sexual harrasment, all that lovely shit)

   Ever since I was little, I've feared many things. I was scared the dark, loud noises, and the list went on and on. I've never gotten over those fears. I still sleep with a night light and I still cover my ears when everything is too loud. One thing I never used to fear was school. Of course, the cafeteria was terrible for my sensitivity to loud noises, but other than that I felt safe there. Now that I'm older and have seen the dangers of school, I'm scared.

   I feel like every few weeks I'll get a news notification on my phone of a school shooting. It scares me. Why would someone kill a bunch of kids? I've seen 6 year olds get killed and it's terrifying.

   I'm scared to go to school.

   I've always lived in the southern area of the U.S.A. I never knew how bad it was until a few years ago. The rates of how many gay and transgender people are killed just because of their identity is terrifying.

   I'm transgender. I've opened up to the wrong people on accident. I've lost many friends due to it and now I constantly get bullied for it. Add that with the death rates and it's terrifying. I don't want to go to school anymore because of it.

   I'm scared to go to school.

   Ever since 6th grade, I haven't been the same. My girlfriend from then traumatized me. She sexually harassed me, but no teachers are aware. I've been too scared to actually tell me because they could always just brush it off and say I was too young to have that actually happen to me.

   Now, I have her in my gym class. Every day, I see her. Every day, I get worse flash backs. Every time I see her, I want to cry. I don't know how to make it better. I want it to get better, though. I want back who I used to be. I tell people what she did to hide how truly scared I am that she might try to do something to me again.

   I'm scared to go to school.

  I'm scared I won't come home.

   I'm scared I won't be the same again if I come home.

   I'm scared I won't get to say goodbye.

   I'm scared I'll never be accepted.

   I'm scared I'll lose someone I care about.

   I'm scared I'll never get myself back.

   I'm scared.