Lavender | Wakatoshi Ushijima

42 | Invisible

"What about your test?"

I stop short.

"She was dizzy that day, she held on to my arm. I went into that test and brushed it off."

I turn to her.

"Is that one of her symptoms?"

"You could not have known. What happened is done now."

"So it is, then."

"Dizziness is a symptom, yes." She says. Did I hear that correctly?

"There were so many signs. So many. I should have said something. I let her slip away. She was by herself on the floor, she called out for help. I wasn't there. I wasn't there." I mumble lowly.

She responds, but it seems she doesn't speak loud enough.

Index. Middle. Ring. Pinky. Thumb. Index. Middle. Ring. Pinky. Thumb. My fingers. I touch them all on my shorts, one by one in distinct order. Rhythmically.

Fingers. Focus on the fingers.

I touch my pinky down before my ring finger. Wait. Stop. Start over. Don't think, just tap. Focus on the tapping.

Pinky. Thumb. Index. Middle. Ring. Pinky. Thumb. Middle.

Panic. I'm panicking. Don't think don't think don't think d o n' t th i nk do nt t hi n k

N O

The rims of my vision are blurring. So much light for a dim day. My eyes are darted open, and I'm retracing where I once tapped.

I feel dizzy, nauseous, and disgusting. The inside of my torso is rotting and I can feel the mold growing up the back of my throat. There's swirling everywhere and every system in my body seems to hold on tight because god knows what comes next. Saliva shoots into my mouth. I'm going to pass out. Nausea eats away at me. My mouth is open, ready to shout or heave out my insides.

1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 F A S T E R 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 A G A I N 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5

My chest feels open and bare. I can feel the air going down my throat and drowning out my voice with its crisp movement too easily. Right then and there, I feel it going faster. In and out, in and out, in and out. Breathing feels too free, another esophagus has opened up. It is picking up its pace and that voice in my head is yelling. It is scolding me again. I find my knee bouncing up and down, my vision now shaking with the rest of my body. I see streaks and cracks everywhere. I break them.
W H Y
A sharp ring in my ears, deep in their core coming straight from a ditch. I hear it over and over. All my senses malfunction at once, clashing and crashing. My fingers gather together, fiddling around as I push them into my lap. They feel numb at the edges, tingly. Stop moving, stop moving. Pull yourself together.
W H O A R E Y O U ?
A flaming burn. My eyes burn, my lip twitching at the goosebumps racing up my arms. I interlock my ankles to steady myself. I pant and continue breathing quickly. The heat in the mask and the dryness of my mouth ache, the voices in my head and the swelling sensation in my jaw. I wish to be more invisible than I already was to this nurse.

S I L E N C E

I put my hand up to my mask to bring it down, and I brush a shaking palm to my face.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.