Survivors of The Pandemic

8

After finding it difficult to breathe for a second I decided on going out onto the back porch. Sitting down in a comfortable chair, wrapped in a blanket, staring blindly at the forest in front of me.

How could I do something like that? I killed hundreds without blinking. Not by hand, but it's my fault, nonetheless. Several families that have lost a family member because I couldn't let it go. In fear of my own life, I sacrificed hundreds. What makes me kill them righter than them killing me? My life isn't worth any more than theirs.

I could never be a murderer, or I am one now... how do they cope with the guilt? Am I a monster for killing people with little reasoning? I'd understand it if Austin would never look at me again. If Darren one day just let me die from an injury. Or maybe Amber would cast me out, Jody and Jacob looking at me with disgust. Making Jeremy regret giving me tips on how to control it. If I didn't control it I wouldn't have been able to blow it up by will. I may have blown them up on accident though. Perhaps control is best?

I would never look at myself in the mirror the same. I'm disgusted by myself. How could I do such thing? It doesn't really matter, I did it anyway. How could I do such a horrible thing knowing how many lives would be lost as I did so? Am I supposed to live with the guilt? Because I'm not sure I'll be able to if it feels like this.

An ace in my heart, like strings pulling it apart. The sorrow laying like a blanked draped over me. Letting me think of nothing else than what the families must be going through. I lost my family, but that wasn't a specific person's fault.

"What are you doing out here?" I jump and turn my head around so fast I wouldn't be surprised if it spun right off. Amber is standing in the doorway. I sigh, letting my eyes wander back to the forest that I've been glaring at.

"Couldn't sleep." I mumble, dragging my legs up to my chest, resting my head on top of them.

"How come?" she walks past me and sits down in the chair beside mine. Letting out another agitated sigh, not feeling like talking about it.

"Can't stop thinking." Amber doesn't answer, just sits beside me. Is she thinking about it? Silently judging me, like I am myself? How can she even be in my presence right now? I just killed so many people without even looking back.

"Am I a monster?" I mumble as I look over at her. A tear falling down my cheek, but I'm too caught up in her answer that I couldn't care less. She looks at me a bit shocked, her eyes wide.

"Of course not. Why would I even think that?" I look away from her, afraid of her reaction to my next words.

"Because I killed them." My voice is void of any emotion, and that makes it worse. It would seem as I don't care.

"I don't blame you for it. You didn't do it because you're evil. You did it because you want to live. You did it for all of us, and frankly... I think it was the right thing to do. I wouldn't beat myself up about it. It's sad, and you'll feel the guilt possibly forever but that's a good thing. It reminds us that we're human and that you're not a monster. A monster or a murderer wouldn't feel guilty about it." I take in her words, and let out a relieved sob, as I start crying.

"Oh, Emily." She comes towards me, wrapping her arms around me. Covering my front, making me feel loved. This only makes me sob even harder if that was possible. Letting it out, the frustration, guilt, and sadness.

After a while and my sobs have gone quiet, she pulls away. I wipe my tears as I sniff. "Thank you." My voice is hoarse, making me cringe. A question suddenly manifesting.

"Why are you up?" I question, pointing out 'you' because I never asked, and I thought it was late. Looking behind her I see the sun in the horizon.

"I was heading down to make breakfast to you guys. Getting the gloomy mood up from yesterday. The others would be awake any minute now." She looks past me, and I turn around, the hallway is still empty.

"Jody is in my room, so don't worry about it. We thought that you might've needed the space after the incident yesterday." She pauses for a minute before looking straight at me and standing up.

"Why don't you go and freshen up a bit, and meet me downstairs when you're done?" I nod, watching her walk away from me as I wobble back to my room. Still unsteady on my feet as I make my way back.

Getting dressed, then walking to the bathroom and brushing my hair, splashing my face with water I finally go downstairs. Heading straight for the kitchen.

Jeremy and Amber are laughing and cooking what seems to be some beans, tomato sauce, spices and some meat. That's what I can see at least.

Sitting down at the kitchen island I watch as Jeremy's head spike up as he notices me. "How are you feeling? We were all worried about you." I shrug, taking a cup with tea from his as he offers me one. Staring down in it.

"Getting better, I'd like some days off training if that's okay?" he nods with a smile, his eyes snapping to someone behind me. I can feel their eyes boring into my head. Turning around I see Jody and Jacob.

"I'm Emily, we didn't get to be properly introduced yesterday." They keep their distance, making me uneasy. They're scared of me. I look down, standing up and walking out of the room and out.

Taking a deep breath of the fresh air, hearing the early chirping of the birds, and admiring the sun which is fully up by now. Shining and making the air so much warmer. I close my eyes, taking deep calming breaths. The urge to cry creeping its way back. After a good five minutes I turn around, ready to face the judgmental looks, and when I return Austin and Darren has come downstairs too, along with Mary.

"I'd like to talk with you later, if that's okay?" Darren says lowly, and I nod. His words making some somewhat anxious on what he wants to talk about.

Jody and Jacob walks towards me, a scared look on their faces.

"I'm sorry about before. It's just that the man in the lab, and everyone has told stories about red, and how they're so dangerous. They'll kill you in an instant. It makes you paranoid." I shake my head.

"Darren, Jeremy and Mary-Ann had the same reaction." I mumble with a forced laugh. "Darren was fine after we talked a bit. Still don't know how Jeremy feels about it, but seeing as he helped me with learning control a couple of days ago? Yesterday, I think... no, the day before that. Mary-Ann is still wary of me. I'm used to it." I walk past them, feeling tears prickle in my eyes.

I'm too young for this shit.