I walked through class, it was a nice weather where fog in the morning having a little touch of sunshine ray, the temperature in the morning great enough to take a free roam but somehow my mind not sync with the environment situation, am I self sabotage this perfect view because of my thinking?
I take out my phone and look at the time, it was 7:38 a.m, Im not that late to my Engineering Drawing class although my bag kinda heavy since my laptop spec quite equilibrium with it own mass. I open up my spotify and search up Yuna song called "Dan Sebenarnya". I always listen to this song whenever I'm in touch with my own feelings. Truth be told I actually love to listen song that sync with my own current mood. I don't have certain genre preference in listening, I'm also not that type who liking a certain artist and follow up all their song.
I put my pink airpod, it already connected since I'm about to take a walk from my room. I tilt my head towards sky, it was a clear blue sky where there was no cloud. It was very clear but at certain point can be declared as too bland or zero uniqueness. It reminds me that although I reach my own personal solitude but at what cost. Is it even worth it? Back then I was too busy to improve myself and be good at everything, be unique in everything and hourn my skill to get better in psychology so that I can be more undertand towards this creature called human.
I do get what I want, my exam was okay, I getting good in understanding human. I don't know that when we understand human too much it can feel very distant. I have develop with myself where I can vision myself with a person that I want to have engagement. Of course I know how to start the conversation and tackle any idea to reach a person. All of that just to reach their face. Many tell their trauma, bad day or any tragedy towards me...but for some reason I can't feel the depth of a person when someone tell me their story, it likes they lack of genuine. It feels like I can get this unreachable information (their trauma) from them is not real.
I do glad to listen and to help someone with advice but why I feel so distant while Im the one who there keep their tangled mind become at ease back. Is the information worth to get? Is the depth information that I get from them worth enough meanwhile I don't feel any depth in our connection?
Will they be there for me?
Will they listen to me?
Will they find me when I'm lost?
Will they...
They would not, I can surely confirm that no one even try to find me despite my hardship while always take a chance to make someone who feel distant with world getting better. I always questioning what I did...I can gaslight them or even blackmail them with these traumatic information I get from them.
But...
If I did that, it just don't feel like me.
I walk through the bridge, suddenly I stop a while and take a look at the lake. It look calm in appearance. Same goes to my own mind. My appearance seems calm and almost can say that I don't care being alone. Truth be told I'm the person who mostly care about being lonely.
There this one girl where I thought she have a good moral compass, her view of the world quite interesting. It appear that she view the world with aesthetic view. I admire her kindness back then. When I don't even care about others and my own personal feelings. To her it just a text that she sent me, a text that later on get erased, a text that would be forgotten, a text that just keep a comfort for that single time.
I was a fool.
Her comfort, her depth, her kidness, her gentle touch towards my heart was a stepping stone for her. She can get any information from me because I'm more opened toward a person who have depth in kindness. Truth be told, she ain't that care...she just appear to be there...It such a simple concept where you help a person who not in a good condition.
I'm loving her was my biggest mistake.
And yet it was charming.
To her it just a text or random question that I would ask to her when I reach every end sem, or any time when I have random thought. To me it was a greatest act since the way her elobrate things seems sync with the depth that I want, I love her. I'm never reach her in person because the crowded would talk everything about us.
I'm never good at small talk so I reach her in any depth question. When I close my eyes it's her that in my mind. She's not the most beautiful, she also have almost same outfit that she would wear. Her stripe sweatshirt always on her list of outfit. She's also not a person who likes to wear dress, which is the one outfit I liked the most. And yet the kindness back then when I was lost still burning as if it was something worth to remember and be protected.
But-
I just realize...
It was only me that open myself to let her know me more, in the hope she would do the same, which open up herself towards me. It take me a long period of time to make her open up. Any crumb or story she tell me, make me up to the mood.
For me, it quite an honour when someone I love tell me their problem or any traumatic past, I feel like I get this trust towards her depth. But it only me who show her my depth and curiosity, she never feel the same way. The last time she said "may we crossed path" somehow make me happy and giving me hope to reach more her depth. Every single day I always walk with a hope that I can take a glimpse of her. It was useless. At certain point I feel very distant but this time with someone I love.
Even now I still have some crumbs of liking her but she don't have any. She just the best and the worst at certain time. The more I reach her, the more distant I feel .
It exhausting, to have someone not trust in you but they themselves not even put trust in us.
I loved her, for her depth and reserved but it contain a gambling content I can get any information from her by only pure luck. I exhaust with her until she made me stop drawing.
