If I Knew it All Then

drunk on invisibility potions

"I didn't hear from her once the whole summer." Poppy admitted somberly, an obvious look of concern etched across her face.

"I didn't either. I must admit that I'm worried, but I believe she'll have a good reason." Natsai always found a way to see the best in people, and while getting to know you throughout fifth year, she quickly realized that she didn't have to look very hard to see it in you. For now, she just wanted to be as comforting as possible for Poppy.

"Oh, great. Now I feel awful for doubting her!" Poppy's arms shot up and over her head so unexpectedly that Natsai jumped a little on the spot. "I just thought we had gotten very close last year, is all. Whatever's going on, I wish she knew we'd want to be there for her, just as she has been there for us."

You caught the tail-end of their conversation. They were sitting next to each other on the large stone fountain in the bell tower courtyard, talking about you, and clearly worried sick about your well-being. You couldn't blame them after ignoring their letters all summer long, but it felt like your only safe choice. What if they wanted to meet up? Then you'd have to find a way to spend entire days at a time with them without giving away all the pain you were in.

Learning how to control your curse wasn't easy. In fact, it was impossible. The best you could do now was manage it, but only for the most part. You spent the first half of your summer trying to track down a cure that the Sallows' hadn't already thought of. When that didn't amount to anything, you stayed indoors, always waiting for the next wave to hit so you could practice keeping your expressions under control. You slowly introduced walking, and then came completing everyday tasks and chores. It was like you were a newborn who just discovered their legs.

You'd actually feel lucky if that was your only problem, but ever since you took Anne's pain away, you stopped seeing traces of ancient magic. No amount of time spent in front of a mirror, trying to coax the curse out of you with your wand, was shaping up to be anything more than a total waste of time. You were forced to face the truth: Your rare ability was no more, which meant you'd have to find another way to get rid of the curse once and for all.

And Sebastian had such an easy time of it, didn't he? You were back to square one, relying on the Restricted Section just as he had. Maybe there was a chance a professor's son who always had his nose buried in a book might've missed an important one among the shelves. It sounded a little more convincing before you tried to string it into a thought.

First, you had to convince your friends that you were in perfectly good health. If you couldn't pull it off in front of Poppy and Natsai, then you were doomed when the time came to face Sebastian. You were admittedly stressed, more about him than any of the rest. You were certain the only reason he didn't realize it sooner, as in immediately, was because of the situation you had been in. Your silence in that moment was too easy to misconstrue as an inability to forgive him.

He must've spent his entire summer alone, just him and his thoughts. His letters had been among the hardest for you to ignore. There were just so many of them, flooding in one after another.

If he didn't think you hated him after your last conversation in the Undercroft, then he was bound to think it now. You couldn't believe it had already been that long since you spoke to him. Only a few months, really, but that was a lot for someone you were used to seeing all the time. It certainly didn't help spending every other waking moment in excruciating pain, which had a way of making the months feel like years.

"There you are!" You must've been staring off into space, because you were completely caught off guard by the swinging of Poppy's arms around your neck, practically cutting off your windpipe. The two of you tumbled straight to the ground to show for all your preparedness, but she didn't seem to mind it one bit. "For a second, I thought you might not be coming back to Hogwarts this year. I just couldn't put my wand on where you'd disappeared to or why you weren't answering any of our letters!" She didn't give you a chance to reply, which was probably for the best. You weren't even sure you had one at the ready. "Never mind all that. I'm just glad you're here."