Cerulean

Rant

Laying on my bathroom floor. Earphones plugged in with nothing playing, tears down my face barely missing them. I wish I was lovable. I wish, I wish, I wish.

It's not gonna do me any good to feel like this. It's not gonna help me at all.

I wish that I was loved. My little sister can smile with my father when he helps her with math. She's so much more smarter than I am. I gaze from the kitchen, wishing with my entire heart that that was me. Just to be the favourite, just long enough to fill the ache.

I wish they'd take my side, for once. Even if it were in public, just once. Just one moment where they defended me at all, just me. They haven't done that since I was little, and it only aggravated my bullies at the time.

Just once, I wish they would say my name. Even my deadname, just to get it right on the first try. Just to show that my name was the first on their minds.

I wish I wasn't invisible unless they needed someone to use as some emotional punching bag. Like a dried up piece of mutton to cut up and sell away.

I wish they wouldn't always insist that God was the answer, instead of just giving me a godforsaken hug.  I wish I didn't have to feel suspicious when they do hug me.

I wish I didn't have to crave love other places and people, feel that I need to earn approval, feel like everything is my fault all the time.

My older sister can talk with them, and they'd value her opinion. I wish I had that. An opinion in their eyes. A real human being, worth talking to. I wish I was that. A person to them. Not just some burden, not the son they didn't want, not a disgrace.

I wish they'd allow me to feel instead of smiling through all this. I wish I was worth something. 

Even if I was worth the gum under their shoes.