Something Broken, Bruised and Beautiful

Track #13 - Weak

They really push the ironic story of Dec and Ali spending Valentines Day together in the past when neither of them had dates. People think it's funny and kind of sweet. Stephen might have agreed if he didn't have the bigger picture forever burned across his memory.

Their work forces them to see each other. It also forces Stephen to frequently see Dec with Ali which feels like an unnecessary added piece of torture from the universe. Maybe he deserves it at this point – those nights on the last Britain's Got Talent tour weigh more heavily on him than any of the others. He likes Ali. Guiltily, he's only grateful that he doesn't really know her all that well. It feels less like he's betrayed someone's trust even if he still has.

Fortunately, Dec's sudden determination to overcompensate and be a good friend to Stephen pushes most thoughts of guilt out of his head. It's tiring, trying to be around Dec in any situation but especially when it's just the two of them.

Stephen is tired.

When they've been at events recently, he's felt Dec's focus run over him. It isn't the same as the loaded gazes of the past, mellowed with age and what Stephen uncomfortably perceives as worry. He doesn't want Dec to worry about him – he doesn't want them to be close enough for that to be something that the other man feels he has a responsibility to do.

He tells himself he hates the attention but he can't escape the comfort he gets from having Dec in his life, even if it's not the way either of them want. He loves Dec a bit too much not to spend any time with him.

Slowly, Dec has pushed the boundaries in their conversations as if he's slowly hoping the past is fading away and might one day no longer exist. The first time Stephen saw him in the CITV studio, instantly berating himself for not recognising one of the channel's most notable newcomers, he'd hoped that they could both just forget what had happened the first time they met. He wondered if Dec had hoped for that too – that it would fade until it was nothing but a private joke between the two of them. If he did, then at least they are both guilty of doing a terrible job at achieving that ending.

Dec sometimes asks if Stephen's dating anyone. He only does it when no one else is around, usually in a soft tone that invites total honesty. It seems as if he really wants to hear about Stephen's failing love life and that maybe he wouldn't mind if there was someone. Despite that, Stephen feels awkward because he doesn't want to tell Dec that he almost let himself sleep with a random guy three weeks ago before thinking better of it. He also doesn't want to admit that he's tried to think of some women in the same way because every time he fails to feel any attraction to them, it stabs him in the chest.

When Dec asks, he's treating it like all friends tend to. He's looking for amusing stories of first dates and mishaps. It's like when Ant does the same with a mischievous glint in his eyes – with him, it's just friendly teasing and Stephen tolerates it like he tolerates all jokes at his expense. With Dec, it still feels different even if the older Geordie is evidently trying to blend in with all of Stephen's other friends.

It's worse when he tries to do anything more serious though. The concerned attention at group events shifts to easy-to-read worry in his eyes when they're on their own. Stephen doesn't want him to ask about the itchy, healing lines beneath his shirt sleeve. He doesn't want to admit that he's been read like an open book because this shift in demeanour coincided exactly with the time it all started again.

It's just a rough patch, he tells himself. It will pass.

(*~*)

A couple of weeks go by. People are speculating about how long Dec will leave it before proposing. Stephen is decidedly not speculating about that. He doesn't want to think about it at all even as the vast majority of their shared friendship group bring it up when the older man isn't in hearing range. It would have been nice, Stephen thinks, to see their giddiness on Dec's behalf. They all seem so happy for him – so pleased that he's taken his time and ended up with someone who's been right in front of him all this time.