Something Broken, Bruised and Beautiful

Track #4 - The Night We Met

{4}

I am not the only traveller,

Who has not repaid his debt,

I've been searching for a trail to follow again,

Take me back to the night we met.

{PLAY}

Keeping his distance doesn't work out exactly as Dec planned. He can't pretend to be bored of the regular Sunday get-togethers every week, meaning that Stephen has become a consistent fixture in his social life. Cat, clearly sticking to her belief that Stephen is a good match for both him and Ant, has played her part in ensuring they see a lot more of each other as well. Ant seems to have grown attached too.

All in all, it seems Dec is the only person trying to keep Dec away from Stephen.

He can't even tell where the younger man stands in all of this. Sometimes there's a look on his face that Dec tries to ignore because it feels as if Stephen likes him too much. Too much for what they can ever hope to have together. Too much for what Dec can let himself give.

They haven't spent time together as a pair in months and yet they seem to be getting closer. Dec knows far more about him now but every time he finds himself falling for another quirk, he makes his excuses for a while and avoids situations where he is likely to see Stephen.

Somewhere along the way, Stephen has become Stevie. Stephen hates it but should never have admitted that because both Ant and Dec take great pleasure out of annoying him. In almost no time at all, Dec can see that Ant and Stephen have developed a dysfunctional, brotherly sort of bond. Sometimes when he notices it, he feels a pang of envy so strong he has to look away even though what he feels for Stephen is so far from sibling-like that even the thought of them getting to that point makes him distinctly uncomfortable.

What he wants is the simplicity of Ant and Stephen's friendship. They're just two guys making fun of each other until one of them gets bored – which is rare. They don't sneak glances at each other across a room. They don't have a secret history that no one knows about. At least, Dec doesn't think they do.

It would almost be easier if Ant was secretly gay and also sleeping with Stephen. Even if it would make everything else endlessly more complicated. At least they both would have lied to each other.

Regardless of what Ant and Stephen get up to in their free time (likely nothing), a large proportion of Dec's seems to involve the younger man now. He tries to fill the rest of it with Clare who is back to entertaining his questionable commitment to some sort of relationship between them. Dec isn't always sure what she sees in him when he takes a step back and thinks about the time they've spent together. He's often distant; irritable when he's got in his own head about not trying hard enough to like her; but she lets him get away with it.

The combination of Ant and Clare is potent enough to keep Dec on the straight and narrow for the time being, even as Stephen's interruption to his life is ongoing. He's not going to sleep with the younger man while Ant is keeping an eye on both of them. He tells himself he's not going to sleep with the younger man if Clare is in the picture either – that reason is always less convincing though.

In conclusion, Dec really doesn't like the way his head works. He doesn't like the voice of the devil on one shoulder who goads him into considering his attraction to Stephen whilst having Clare right in front of him. He's terrified that he's leading her on because deep down he knows that he is.

Sometimes he imagines a future, years down the line, where they are still together and he's still hung up on a man he occasionally sees at work. Most of the time, that future is cloudy and impossible to picture. In truth, Dec doesn't believe it really exists. Clare will get tired of putting up with his awful commitment to their 'relationship' in whatever form it currently exists in. At the moment she enjoys his company and the dates they go on. One day she will realise she can do much better. Dec is a low bar after all – he can't convince himself he's attracted to her some days.