here i am | haobin

6;

it doesn't truly sink in until they return to the dorms.

zhanghao's still dressed in his uniform. the top 9 star pin jingles slightly as he sits on kuan jui's bed, and he grips it tightly to silence the sound. it feels like a rub into the eliminated trainees' face.

kuan jui is silent as he takes down the polaroids with various groups of trainees plastered above his bed, gently placing them in a small compartment in his luggage along with his smaller items. when he starts to take his clothes out of the closet, zhanghao moves to hold his hand and stop him.

"jui," zhanghao's voice is thick with emotion. a fresh wave of tears well up in his eyes and there's a dull ache in his heart. he doesn't want to believe his best friend has really been eliminated, but when he's faced with the sight of kuan jui packing, it stings more than he expects.

"who's going to take care of you when i'm gone?" kuan jui huffs, but he stops packing and turns around to face zhanghao. his eyes are red and puffy from crying, but he still smiles softly. "take care of yourself, okay? you know i'm only one call away. cmon, let me pack."

zhanghao doesn't let go. after a beat of silence, kuan jui sighs and sits down on the bed with him. their uniforms crumple slightly as he envelops zhanghao in a hug but they could care less. assuming zhanghao debuts, the chance to meet again outside of the show would be close to zero.

"you should have made it, i promised the team i'd bring all of us to finals," zhanghao whispers shakily, blinking in a futile attempt to hold back his tears.

"its not your fault, don't cry," kuan jui wipes  his tears away with his thumbs, gazing concernedly at him. "you did well and i'm so proud of you. i'll see you again at finals, okay?"

minutes pass by as they sit in each other's embrace silently, until they hear staff shouting down the corridor asking the eliminated trainees to hurry up. kuan jui groans, "now i really have to rush my packing."

zhanghao finally lets go of his arm, barely noticing how his makeup is ruined. a few minutes later, ollie runs into their room to bid goodbye to him before bursting into tears. zhanghao wills himself to be strong and comforts the younger with reassuring words, ruffling his hair and fussing over his clothing. its going to be the last chance he has to do that in a long while, so he holds the boy close to him and pats his head gently.

later, he sits in the room alone in the dark, listening to the aircon whirr softly in the background. it feels suffocating as he looks out of the window, a starless sky staring back at him.

his reflection is clearly illuminated on the glass by the moon- even to himself, he looks tired. his puffy eyes from crying and  eyebags are prominent. the toll that the programme is taking on him is beginning to show, zhanghao thinks to himself.

zhanghao slips into his slippers and grabs his pillow before making his way down the corridor to a room he frequents so often he can memorise the way.

-

hanbin's tucked into bed with only the nightlight turned on, a book in his hands. the reflection of the dim light onto his glasses flashes as he turns to the door.

"hao hyung." hanbin breathes out, seemingly surprised to see the older show up unexpectedly at his door. zhanghao only smiles weakly in response. hanbin shifts over in his bed and leaves the book on the shelf above, leaving a space for zhanghao to squeeze next to him.

"are...are you okay?" hanbin asks carefully, eyes full of worry and concern. a sense of dejavu flashes through zhanghao's mind, like this has happened before. he really doesn't like being vulnerable in front of people, but it seems like the rule doesn't apply to hanbin, because a tear slips down his left cheek.

"i just miss them," zhanghao chokes out, vision blurring as tears fill his eyes. he rarely cries in front of anyone except kuan jui, so why does he gasp for air as he leans into hanbin's embrace, clutching desperately at his shirt as hanbin pulls him even closer?

"its okay ge, let it all out," hanbin rubs down zhanghao's back gently, worrying his lip in concern as he stares down at the shaking boy in his arms.

zhanghao squeezes the last of his tears out of his eyes before he finally manages to calm down enough to remember the cameras positioned in the dorm rooms. his head snaps up in realisation, before belatedly realising hanbin was already one step ahead and had covered the cameras with two small grey towels.

"don't worry, no one else can see you cry but me," hanbin teases lightly, and zhanghao can't help but crack a smile. its strange but he finally feels like he can breathe.

his tense muscles relax as hanbin rests his hands on zhanghao's shoulders and knead them with experience. hanbin is so, so, so warm, he can't help but move closer.

"thank you, hanbinnie," zhanghao blinks up at the younger, and he doesn't think he's imagining the blush that's slowly colouring hanbin's cheeks.

"anytime, hao hyung." hanbin releases zhanghao's shoulders and they instantly feel colder. there's clear hesitation on his face before he asks, "do you want to sleep here?"

zhanghao thinks of all the times he's tried to avoid hanbin, hoping it would get rid of the crush he had on the younger, kuan jui's advice and ricky's sarcastic responses.  and then he decides, fuck it.

"if you don't mind, i would love to." zhanghao smiles ever so prettily and he would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy the way hanbin's hands wring uselessly in his lap as he bites his lip, all tell tale signs that hanbin is nervous.

they don't say anything as hanbin switches the night light off and they're both lying inches away. their bodies move like they know where exactly to go, hanbin's right hand on zhanghao's waist and zhanghao's thigh resting on hanbin's thigh.

it feels comforting amidst all the stress of preparing for the finals. zhanghao feels his mood lighten significantly, because thats what being around sung hanbin feels like.

he's zhanghao's haven.

a/n : this took forever to write because i was busy coping with the loss of kuan jui haruto and ollie... 🥹🥹🥹🥹 i really miss them 😭😭😭

2nd last chapter just in time for finals,, im probably going to be starting a new fic soon because i have a ton of ideas rn! lmk what you guys wna read and i'll try my best to incoporate it if possible! thank you so much for reading and being patient w my slow updates 🙉