here i am | haobin

5;

hanbin definitely isn't a jealous person. he's never been envious of others' success and always works twice as hard to get whatever he wants. but when he watches zhanghao wrap a arm around jeonghyeon, throwing his head back to laugh so prettily it actually hurts (since when had they gotten so close anyway?), he feels an ugly emotion rearing its head inside him that he doesn't really understand.

"one last run through and we can take a break, alright?" one of the dance instructors holler out. the 'over me' team nods in reponse before assuming their starting positions, waiting for the music to play.

which raises the question, why is hanbin in their practice room? hanbin justifies his presence with the fact that he's helped zhanghao and kuan jui create the dance break after they had asked him to teach them tutting.

he doesn't elaborate that he's spent pretty much every single one of his breaks he gets in the small practice room watching zhanghao so intently even the filming staff leave a space for him when he comes in, giving him cheshire like grins that he pointedly ignores.

hanbin simply suffers from a chronic case of 'missing zhanghao syndrome' which he's rather ashamed to admit to anyone but himself. he's never relied on anyone quite this much and it scares him how empty he feels without zhanghao's presence around him all the time.

zhanghao's dancing is breathtaking. he draws hanbin's attention even when he's not in the center, eyes glued to zhanghao's every move. hanbin could watch him dance all day.

"hanbin hyung! break's over, come and practice!" he snaps out of his reverie to see yujin poking his head through the gap in the door and hastily scrambles to get up.

he misses the way zhanghao's eyes follow him out through the door, an unreadable expression on his face as the instructor yells at him to focus.

-

zhanghao's feelings for sung hanbin are for the most part, still a mess that he can't comprehend.

he thought it'd get better after tomboy when they were separated into different groups and they wouldn't have to spend every day in the practice room together. it would provide the distance he needed to sort his feelings out so they could go back to being friends.

his plans were foiled by the person in question, hanbin himself. the younger's  recent behavior only serves to confuse zhanghao further, and it doesn't help that his teammates are catching on. they send zhanghao looks when hanbin walks in that are way too sly for his liking.

he lies in bed after a shower staring up at the ceiling, immersed in his own thoughts, until ricky pipes up from the bed beside his.

"ge, whats up with you and hanbin?" he asks in chinese and the question is more out of curiosity than nosiness. ricky is way too smart for his own good, zhanghao internally groans.

verbally, he lets out a small noise of frustration. "i don't know either. he's making things more complicated.."

"how so?" the younger chinese boy presses further, a glint in his eye as he rolls around in his bed to connect his phone to the charger before he continues scrolling aimlessly, waiting for a reply.

zhanghao really doesn't want to go into details- ricky has his own fair share of problems to worry about. as the older he should be the one giving advice instead of asking for it. 

the look ricky gives him is telling him he won't be able to rest properly until he finds out. so he closes his eyes, braces himself and mutters, "i think i like sung hanbin."

zhanghao's met with total silence. he opens his eyes to see ricky's unimpressed look and the toilet door click open to reveal an equally unimpressed kuan jui. he stutters at how unsuprised the two of them are, "wait, you guys knew?"

kuan jui shrugs casually like zhanghao didn't just reveal his deepest secret. "you two aren't exactly subtle. anyone with eyes could see." ricky nods in response, fidgeting with the stuffed toy on his bed.

zhanghao scrunches his forehead. "its confusing. i feel safe with him yet i'm always flustered when he gets too near me. i just want to go back to how it was, when we were friends..." he trails off.

ricky lets out a snort. "friends? i'm pretty sure you two skipped that stage entirely. have you seen the way hanbin stares at you? it just reminds me of how painfully single i am."

zhanghao's face flushes a deep red, even though he's not the one ricky's talking about. thinking of hanbin looking at him makes him shyer than he's willing to admit.

"and you should probably explain to him why you did the whole avoiding him thing," kuan jui adds dryly as he towels his wet hair. zhanghao winces slightly at the thought of having to confront his feelings.

"okay, okay, i will! i'm going to sleep first, you two don't stay up too late," zhanghao warns them, pulling the blanket over himself and turning off his bedside light.

if the other two boys continue to talk into the wee hours of the night, its not his fault they wake up late the next day and get scolded by their team leader, zhanghao himself.

-

its not his turn to perform, and yet hanbin feels a thrill of anticipation send shivers down his spine.

the 'say my name' team is crowded around the small monitor backstage as they wait for the team before them to perform, which happens to be 'over me'.

the five of them marvel at the stage setup, dark red lighting with white translucent veils of cloth covering structures that vaguely resembled the table and chairs for their own performance. the 'over me' team stand in their respective positions, waiting for the music to begin amidst loud cheers from the audience.

hanbin had seen their outfits earlier in the waiting room- he had stopped in his tracks when he saw zhanghao in a long sleeved white silk shirt and black jeans that hugged his tiny waist and only served to accentuate it. red string was wrapped around his arms and neck, bringing out how red his lips looked.

hanbin couldn't take his eyes off zhanghao. jiwoong had to pull him along with an exasperated look on his face before forcing him to sit down on one of the chairs.

he swallows as the song begins and the camera focuses on the members. all he can see is zhanghao. he looks etheral. he's glowing. hanbin feels as if he's unable to look away.

every half lidded gaze, every smirk zhanghao directs at the camera feels like  its meant for hanbin. his heart flutters- its a crime how absolutely beautiful the older looks. he absently wonders if this is how fans feel when they watch their idols perform.

watching zhanghao dance in the practice room is not the same as on stage. he shines like a star, belting out notes like he's not singing, but breathing. hanbin finds that he wants nothing more than to be there with zhanghao on every single stage.

when the performance ends, he automatically puts his hands together to clap. the deafening cheers from the crowd are nothing compared to the 5 words running through his head over and over again.

i'm in love with zhanghao.

a/n : i honestly meant for this to only have 4 chapters but then idk what happened... sorry for the long wait 😭😭 i'm kinda following whats going on in the show but i'm just altering it slightly for some parts,, also haobin taking care of each other is so endearing i'm definitely going to include that 🥹🥹