Miss, Do I Know You?

45 - Sunday, July 4

She took a shuddering breath, her voice a mere whisper. "I can't get that noise out of my head. It's always that stupid sound."

"The beeping?"

"It brings up so many memories and that empty feeling."

"Try not to think about it. It's okay," I urged softly, drawing circles against her scalp. "I know it must be hard, but it's in the past."

"But I still remember all of it, and it's like reliving that moment over and over again," she said, her words getting choked with tears. "My own son wouldn't even know me, Kay. It still haunts me, that guilt, because how could I have even thought of leaving him behind? I hate being like this still. I hate it so much."

Hearing her say that stirred tears. The mere notion that she had once believed herself unworthy of life's precious breath, coupled with the guilt for feeling that way, cut me right down to the core. I knew those insidious whispers of self-doubt and hopelessness that crept stealthily into the corners of the mind, but never to such an extent. Even after the months spent side by side, I still could not fathom what she had gone through.

I wanted to do more, to take away her pain and absorb it as my own, but the only thing I could offer her was my presence and comforting words. And though every part of me ached to crumble alongside her, I took a steadying breath before speaking again, battling the sorrow eager to color my tone. I needed to be okay for her sake.

"Don't do this to yourself," I said softly, my throat tight. "Look at yourself now. Look at what you have accomplished despite everything. You're here, and that's all that matters. And let me tell you, Benji's gonna have wrinkles before even hitting puberty just because of that smile on his face twenty-four-seven. He even smiles while sleeping. Go check for yourself."

"I know," she said in a trembling breath. "It's cute."

"And that's because you've raised him to be so incredibly happy, Alex. You've given him the best life he could have. I can't say it enough how wonderful you are. You've got no reason to think otherwise, so don't let those intrusive thoughts win."

"There's plenty of reasons. I think I've ruined everything."

"You haven't. Not our relationship, not your life, not Benji's life, nothing."

Her sobs only picked up as she clung to me for dear life, like a child clutching their favorite toy as they fell into a land of nightmares. "Please don't break up with me," she choked out, the words tumbling out in a rush.

My heart skipped a beat. "Alex... what? Why would you say that?"

"You're still mad at me," she cried into me, words muffled against my chest. "And I'm just so scared."

Out of the corners of my eyes, a single droplet of guilt trickled down from my heavy heart, its realization piercing with a poignant ache. It wasn't just the remnants of a bad dream that plagued her. It was a manifestation of the deep-seated sorrow that had taken root within her, a pain that I myself had unwittingly sown. I had never meant to hurt her so much. Or at all.

"Listen to me." I scooted down until we were eye to eye. "That thought has never entered my mind, not even once. I love you and Benji so much, so don't ever think that. I've just been frustrated, but you haven't ruined anything."

She tried to steady her breath, every inhale interrupted by a slight hiccup. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to be safe, and I didn't want to lose you. I can't even sleep without you anymore."

"Don't cry. Please don't cry," I begged in between my own tears as I wiped hers away. "You're not going to lose me. I know you meant well, and I overreacted. I just needed some time and space to realize that."