Candlelight

Chapter 9 - Ryloth

Anakin reaches deeply into the Force again, feeling the Separatist commander's confusion and then horror, when he realizes the cruiser is about to go straight through him. It's also the first person he's going to knowingly and willingly be killing, and he... doesn't know how to feel of that, especially not as he feels the life blinking out of existence, as the ships collide.

It doesn't feel like he should have the right to decide another's fate like this, orders or not. That's all he did for years, and... he knows that it was the will of the Force, but it doesn't feel like he should have done it anyway. He doesn't want to keep doing this, he realizes with a start. After the war is over, after Sidious had been dealt with... he doesn't have to stay, even if he doesn't know where to go. It doesn't matter right now, though.

Anakin tries to keep his focus on the mission instead, even if that doesn't make it easy, nudging aside any laser bolts that come too close, and doing the same for the clones to keep them safe as best he can from afar. They're free now. Free – as he always wanted them to be. As they deserve. If only they could know it as he does.

They break through the remaining Separatist forces easily after that, calling Windu and Obi-Wan that it's ready for their arrival. The ground invasion was hard last time. Anakin can only hope he and Ahsoka will be able to make it easier from space.

***

His inability to sleep is driving Rex insane. It's driving everyone insane, actually. Ahsoka and Kix, too. He often forgets, and he's accustomed to exhaustion, so he doesn't often realize he has to rest. And when he tries, his sleep is plagued with constant dreams. He wants to see Luke again. He wishes he could get to know Leia. They're strong in all the ways Anakin can only wish he was. In all the ways he's trying to be, for them.

He wants to be someone they would be proud to call their father.

He can never be someone Obi-Wan would want to call his padawan, but he can... try. He can always try, though he's exhausted enough to be tired of trying.

He's doing this for Luke and Leia, anyway. Not for his master. Not anymore. Not... again.

He won't try, because he knows there's no longer a point.

But none of that helps with his nightmares, especially when he often dreams of his own death and the events surrounding it. Sometimes, in some of his worse moments, he dreams of Luke dying instead, or Leia being there. She will never know how much he loved her, and he regrets that most, because he knows himself how it feels to be unloved by the person who mattered most to him. All in all, it makes sleeping hard, especially when he surrounded by war and violence like he is right now.

He's not killing people, but he's still responsible for their deaths, and he doesn't want to have to deal with this anymore. Ahsoka would be better off without him, either way. He'll... leave, as soon as Sidious has been stopped, though he can't deny suspecting the galaxy will spiral into chaos, either way. The Empire is necessary for order to be established. That is another thing he fears, because he knows the Council will never allow that. All he can do is follow the Force now. Perhaps he can talk to Padme, but...

Either way, it gives him time to spend with the clones, and this is, for the first time in years, reminding him of what it meant to be human. He forgot how comfortable he was around them over the years, and it's relieving to feel freed like this. He had forgotten what it was like to be with others.

He could never consider another on the same level as him, but in society, it's... similar.

Anakin can feel the twisting urgency in the Force – they've been on Ryloth for weeks now, and something is happening – they must return to Coruscant as soon as possible, but that won't be right now, or a while, as he and Ahsoka go to the surface to clean up the remaining droids. He remembers that this mission went downhill last time, but he still wasn't entirely expecting it when Cad Bane shows up.