Born to die (The Fosters Brallie AU)

Chapter 4: Pretend it's okay

Chapter 4: Pretend it's okay

"Cals, you're here!" Brandon says happily when he sees me and Mariana. "I thought that Mariana would have to drag you in here." He jokes, giving me a wink.

"Please!" Mariana says dramatically, and I couldn't be more thankful. She's doing exactly what I asked her to do: Pretending that everything is okay. "I had to wrestle her into the dress."

A boy appears at Brandon shoulder, smirking. "I would've give anything to see that." Mariana blushes at the boy's comment, and I roll my eyes.

Brandon is still smiling brightly, and punches the boy behind him. "My younger sister is a virgin, Matt. She doesn't wrestle," He comment makes me roll my eyes again, but I can hear the seriousness in his voice, getting somewhat protective of Mariana. "Neither does Callie."

"By the way, I'm Matt." Matt tell me, attempting to wave at me before Brandon slaps him playfully.

"He's a idiot," Brandon says quickly as Matt disappears behind the stage. Mariana gives me a quick glance before going after him, leaving me and Brandon alone from prying eyes. His smile doesn't meet his eyes when he looks over me again, his eyebrows furring together in worry. "You okay?"

No. I'm afraid. Of everything and it's so freaking stupid I don't have anything to worry about.

"No. Yes. I'm just tired, that's all." Brandon doesn't buy it, and grabs my hand, pulling me towards the stage. He makes me sit, staring down at me.

"You've been acting weird ever since you met Lou. And I know it's not because you're jealous. So spit it out." Brandon says softly, and I want him to get angry. I want to know that he's not doing this because it's just a habit to comfort me.

But I am jealous. You're just to stupid to realize that.

"Like I said, I'm just tired. We were up late last night." I force out, and he sighs, running his fingers through his hair.

"I'm not talking about that either, Callie!" Finally Brandon explodes, shaking his head. "You're running around acting like you're dying and that this might be the last moment we'll have together. And- ugh, it's pissing me off! Why do you just push people away? You're not doing any good!"

I don't say anything. Instead I think about how I should leave instead of letting my anger get the best of me. If I do, tonight will end in a mess. "Just get your ass on stage and play for me, alright?"

Brandon's eyes immediately soften, returning to his normal bright green. "Okay." He murmurs, and I smile, wrapping my arms around his neck. I hold on longer than I need too, but I don't care, and Brandon doesn't seem to mind.

"Hey, B?" I whisper, and he pulls back to look at me, a small smile on his lips. It seems like he's teasing me, as if he knows what I'm going to say next. He probably does, since I have told him so many times, but he won't understand it. He'll just smile again and go: Haha, I love you too, Cals.

"Yeah?"

"I-" The words never get the chance to leave my mouth, getting caught in my throat the same time an over ecstatic Mariana pops on the stage, yelling at us.

"Brandon! It's time!" She yells, her tone sharp. I roll my eyes at her 'management' and Brandon just looks at me, waiting for me to finish what I was planing to say.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" I say, and he just shrugs before getting on stage. Mariana gets down, a small frown on her face as she shakes her head in disappointment. "What?" I demand over the sudden noise of people demanding music.

"You didn't tell him," Mariana says, and I sigh, running my hand through my hair. It was already too hard to tell you. I can't just tell him. "You said you would."

"Why don't you try telling your best friends that you're dying?" I explode, but I know I'm not mad at her. I don't know exactly what I'm mad at, but I can't hold it any longer. The past few weeks, I felt like I haven't been able to express my feelings at all. "It's not easy, Mariana! I can't just go: oh, by the way, I have cancer and I told your sister before you. It'll break him."

"Why are you acting like it's easy for me? I... Everytime I look at you now, it- I'm afraid it's gonna be the last time, and Brandon doesn't even know!"

"Why don't you tell him, then!" I say, ignoring the sudden shouts at the first few notes of the band. Brandon has taken Mariana's spot on stage, watching us. I avert my attention back to Mariana and see that she's crying again.

"I... I can't tell him that he's going to loose you, Callie. T-that's just terrible," Then the anger drops off of her face, realization hitting her. "Oh. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid." She murmurs to herself, and I try to come up with something to say.

"You're not stupid, I should've never told you."

Mariana stares at me, and I know tell her that was a mistake. Not telling her would mean that she would still be thinking that she did something wrong. Not telling her means she'll feel guilty, and she doesn't deserve that. "No, I was being stupid," Mariana says, brushing off my comment. "I'm lucky that you told me because if you didn't I don't know what I'd do. You would die and I wouldn't know why."

For a moment, I want to tell her that everything is going to be fine, but for once I cant make myself believe it. Coming here was a mistake. I don't have the heart to tell her that my head hurts- something my doctors told me to be aware of.

As if nothing happened, Brandon is next to me again, and he doesn't give me the chance to say something to Mariana, just drags me out of the bar. He ignores my half-hearted complaints, knowing that I'm slightly thankful to get away from the noise. I'm not a fan of loud, crowded spaces.

"I know you're mad. So just say it." Brandon says, and I stare at the asphalt. I try to tell myself that if maybe I ignore him long enough, I won't have to say anything, but we both know he's not going anywhere. At least not soon.

"Yeah, because you're such an idiot!" I say loudly, and it makes my head feel worse. Blood roars behind my ears in time with the hammer pounding my head, pounding harder with each word. "You're such a freaking idiot!"

He must think I'm crazy. I feel crazy. Right now I feel like I'm not in control of my own emotions. Brandon hasn't said anything, his lips slightly parted, and I know he wants to say something, but doesn't and just angers me. My doctor said I would because more emotional than usual, and if to prove his point, my eyes start to sting.

"Callie?" Brandon finally whispers, and I can see the concern on his face, and I slam my eyes shut. No crying. Absolutely no crying, Callie. Even if it's over your best friend. I take a shaky breath before looking at him again, but it doesn't help. "I don't understand. What did I do wrong? Help me understand." Brandon is so calm, but there's a hint of guilt in his eyes. He reaches for my hand, and I want to pull away, but it comforts me.

"How times do I have to say it?" He doesn't understand, and that's my fault, but I don't want to say it again. The have to explain it to him. "I love you, Brandon."

"Yeah, I love you too, Cal-"

"No, Brandon you're not listening! I- forget it. Just drive me home. Please. I have a headache and it's killing me. I'll watch the band perform another day, I promise."

Brandon doesn't say anything and nods, unlocking his car. The drive to my house is quiet, and I start to regret everything I just said- mostly because it doesn't make sense. Not to Brandon, not to me. It's pathetic that I can't even understand myself. How the hell am I supposed to make Brandon understand if I can't understand myself?

This time, it's not my mom, but it's my dad waiting on the front porch. Brandon gives me a small smile. "Hope you feel better, Cals. I'll stop by tomorrow?" He asks, and I can only bring myself to nod. I'm afraid that if I say anything, I'll just start ranting again and most likely end up crying.

"Hey, Dad." I grumble as Brandon drives away. Pretending that it's okay is harder the moment you actually have to do it. Your eyes deceive you, but everything ends up to be the same.

My dad just gives me a sympathetic smile, wrapping his arm protectively over my shoulders. "It's okay. Even he has to pretend that it's okay."