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Damn, I haven't written in here in a while. That probably counts for something, maybe something positive, but I can't say that I really give a shit about the upside right now. I'm just so fucking tired, mentally more than anything if I'm being honest. I just want to close my eves and go to sleep. Yeah, sleeping in all day sounds fucking amazing right now. It's hilarious considering I felt like I was on top of the world, like I was happy and that I was actually okay and then it all went to shit and here we are again. I know I'm being dramatic because this definitely isn't rock bottom, but it feels close to it. I just want to cry or something, I just feel so numb right now and invisible in a sense, I don't know, I think I'm too far in my head to really be logical about anything. This is a bit off topic but I genuinely want to know why people throw shade at others in public posts. Maybe it's just me but I don't understand the real significance of it and I personally really hate it. If you want to say something, then say it to them? This isn't targeted but I've just seen so many people doing it and want to know what they think they're achieving from it minus causing the other person harm, unless that was the intention all along, I don't know. Anyways, it doesn't really matter, I've got way too many negative thoughts in my head and it's just a mess. What are you even supposed to do, ask someone for a hug? I don't mean any of this to gain likes or sympathy or have people spamming my messages asking if I'm okay or telling me they love me, I just need a space to get it out like a diary of sorts but if people aren't comfortable, then I can always make a spam account. It's weird because I know this time that people do genuinely care about me because they show it and put in that effort, the ones online anyway for the most part and a couple in real life too I suppose, I don't know, I just feel so fucking alone sometimes but then again I suppose we all do.
✸ I really should start posting happy shit in this book too huh? Probably would be a good idea to not just have a bunch of depressing shit so if anyone has any ideas for random questions they have, if they want random updates on things, any ideas for a 1k celebration whenever I get there, or anything else at all, feel free to let me know. ✸ It's funny how I thought I'd gotten better at putting myself first and not just being the person people come to for comfort, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I wanted to bet better at having more and prioritising more equal relationships but apparently I can't do that right either and I'm still invisible when I'm feeling like crap or whatever this is. ✸ Sorry to everyone who had to read me swearing every other sentence, I promise, I swear more in real life but that might just be dependent upon the company. ✸ Might be a bit of a lurker of sorts, taking some time off socials, I don't know if it'll do me any good though. ✸ Update: life still sucks. Depression still sucks. Anxiety still sucks. Surprise, surprise. This chapter is also definitely unedited and I have no idea why I put this message at the very end of the chapter but here we are.
