The Tears Of A Clown

Chapter Nine

Carlos stood in the dark shadows by the caravans, watching his older siblings and his father making their way across the field from the Big Top, after finishing another evenings performance.

His hands were dug deep into the pockets of his leather jacket, whilst he resisted the urge to go over and greet them excitedly halfway, like he use to when he was younger after the show ended.

Maria was walking in the middle, between her father and brother, hanging onto their arms on each side of her, Jelena and her brother Yuri was with them also.

They were all talking and laughing amongst each other, most likely about tonight's performance and how it went. But then Maria moved from between her brother and her father to talk with Jelena, the two girls falling behind the men a little, as they did so.

Carlos watched as his father now closed the gap between himself and George, saying something to his older son, then slapping him good naturedly on the back.

The familiar twinge of jealousy shot through Carlos at the bond he witnessed between his older brother and his father. It was something he felt he could never have. After all, he had done nothing to deserve to get a pat on the back, except be a burden to then with his illness.

His mother mollycoddled him, and his father practically ignored him most of the time. the two things that made him a little resentful,

The thing he wanted most was to make them as proud of him as they were of his older siblings, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon..

Having seen enough of his happy family for one night, Carlos now turned and walked away in the opposite direction, heading towards where he hoped he would find his friends he had made this season.

Not the usual ones he had bothered with before every other year. Most of them had either left the circus, or become performers, so they had little time for him much like father and family, they were too busy training and performing.

Instead Carlos preferred to hang out with the lads hired to shift and dismantle the circus equipment. They would take it down and then set it up, moving it in the lorries, as they went to their next destination..

Amongst these young men Carlos didn't feel like the failure, or that he had to prove himself.

Best of all. they just didn't talk about performing all the time. They welcomed his company easily, and had a certain respect for him because they knew he was Ricardo's son, and they were flattered that he wanted to hang around with them.

They didn't treat him like a kid either, most of them were aged between eighteen to their early twenties. Because Carlos was thin and tall, and looked older than his almost fifteen years, he could almost pass as an eighteen himself, so he didn't feel too out of place.

He was getting quite good at playing poker, and other card games, and he liked being amongst them. He was able to forget about his family for a while.

He was happy to find a bunch of them gathered around by one of the trucks, playing a card game, they greeted him jovially enough as he hunkered down to join them

They were also having a few beers as well, and when Tom the young man next to him, offered him some, one of the others reminded him that Carlos was still a bit young.

"Ack, a small sip of beer won't do him any harm," Tom had remarked light heartedly, "he is one of the lads now, isn't that right?" he eyed Carlos expectantly, as he still held out the beer bottle to him. The others all fell silent, watching him and wondering what he would do

Carlos liked the idea that he was now 'One of the lads' and to feel accepted. He reckoned Tom was right, one small sip of beer wouldn't do him any harm, so he blocked out the little voice of his conscience that was telling him his parents would not be happy with what he was doing.