Mrs Scuderi

chapter thirty one

"I'm not keeping the baby,"i say making her step on the brakes so abruptly my head hits the dashboard because i didn't have my seatbelt on.

"You what?!!"

"I don't want kids, i don't know if I ever will and this will put my career on hold and i can't have that,"i say looking into her eyes trying to read them. "Get the fuck out of my car,"she says subtly and i don't because we're on the road far from the house to walk. "Get. the. fuck. out of my car,"she says through gritted teeth making me shudder and i do as she asks. I wait for her to leave me there but she doesn't, instead she gets out too and walks over to me.

"You want to kill my child?"

"I'm not killing it I'm just doing what's best for it and myself. Look at what we're doing, you don't love me and I...it would be unfair to it,"

"and who told you that? Do you know how long I've waited for this?"she asks and i don't see how me carrying her child has anything to do with it when she could have easily had a surrogate carry the child for her.

"I don't want it and that's final,"

"they are not an it, that's a living being inside of you,"she says pointing at my belly offended by my choice of words. The car ride back is awkward with so much tension in the air. I want to call my mom but i already told her i could be independent of her. I really miss her. I decide to not rush the decision but I'm not keeping the baby either way. I just need time to let it sink in that I'm carrying a child that will soon be taken out of me dead. Since it's already noon i decide to work abit before taking some time out in the city. Fabiana hasn't talked to me since the altercation.

"Mrs Scuderi what will you be having for lunch?"Diana asks coming back from Fabiana so i take it she told her everything. "Honestly i don't know, what do pregnant women eat?"i ask and she smiles making her idea face and starts making something while i go over files on my laptop. I'm done with work for the time being the same time she places a plate of lasagna and i can't help but dig in each bite being better than the next one. "Why you not keeping the baby? You're such a pretty woman and a good wife to Fabiana,"she says and i can sense Fabiana's effect on her.

I just don't want to keep it, because I'm scared I'll never be the best mom to them. I haven't even figured out what i want my life to be like. I was single for a minute then got into this arrangement. "I'm going to browse the city but I'll be back soon,"i tell her not wanting to continue with this conversation. I'm already at the door with the car keys when Fabiana sprints to where i am like she heard me from all the way up there.

"You're not going anywhere alone,"

"the driver can take me then,"

"I'll take you, that's still my baby as long as it's still in there,"she says grabbing the keys from my hand and i find that somewhat attractive. Maybe it's the hormones. If i decided to keep it how would we manage everything?"i ask as she parks so we can walk from there.

"I don't know, you'll have to move here,"

"I'm not moving here,"

"then I'll move there, simple,"she says but I'm not sure about it. We go back to walking in silence. I just can't keep it no matter how convincing it sounds. That's not what i want. At least that's what I think. This baby was an innocent mistake but that doesn't mean it's to blame. What's the worst that could happen if i did decide to keep it? "Fabiana?" I hear a familiar voice making us both turn to see Julie standing there with a boy about 3 tagging on her arm. "Julie hey, i didn't know you have a child," "that's because you keep going MIA on me partner,"she says punching her arm playfully and she doesn't seem repulsed by the action.

"I remember you, you were at her house when i dropped by,"she says focusing her attention to me. "Umm yeah,"i say dryly not sure what to say. "You two should come to baby's birthday, it's right now. I just had to pick up the cake,"she says gesturing to the box on her left hand. Fabiana looks over to me suggestively and i agree. Her house is actually a walking distance from the bakery. It looks cozy and homie with expensive decor. There's a few pictures of her, a man and their child whom i assume is or was the husband. There's also people there with their kids.

"Jules you're here," a shorter woman who has her features says rushing over to us. "Tess this is Fabiana and Amelia, and this is my sister,"she says introducing us. "So you're Fabiana?" She asks analysing her and for some reason it makes me mad."Wanna help me with the cake?" She asks Fabiana directly and she smiles politely leaving me there not knowing what to do with myself. I decide to go to where the parents are with their kids watching intently how lovely they are and when something is wrong they rush to their mothers to make it better.

It must feel nice to have them look up to you to make decisions for them because they know you'll make the right one, that you'll fix anything and everything. After a while i walk into the kitchen to find Fabiana and Julie laughing hard about something with her placing a hand on her shoulder from time to time. Maybe i was overlooking it and they were just talking and nothing beyond that.

"Where's your husband,if you don't mind me asking?"

"Amelia stop,"

"no it's okay, he's dead. That's why I joined therapy,"she says taking a deep breath and letting it out and Fabiana just rubs her back in understanding. I storm out clearly feeling out of place here because everyone knows her and she seems to be having a great time. "Why were you so insensitive?" She asks running after me. "You just left me there in a house where i don't know anyone at the first chance to be alone with the hot blonde,"i say with my voice starting to break. Curse you hormones! I mutter to myself.

"I was just helping,"

"fuck you honestly and i made up my mind, I'm having an abortion,"i say spiraling because I'm simply mad at the fact that she can easily bond with her and not me. I had to be patient to get to where i am with her and all she had to do was be her grief partner. i walk away getting my phone to call an Uber back to the house because my feet are tired already.

"Where are you going? Away from you and this,"i retort. "I'm coming with you,"

"no stay, poor Julie would be devastated if you left,"i say sarcastically making her pinch the bridge of her nose agitated. "Why are you acting like a jealous bitch when you're nothing to me?"she asks raising her voice and i can tell i pushed her to that point so i just walk away taking that in. I get to the Uber and drive home with a bit more clarity on why i shouldn't have even thought about keeping the baby in the first place.