After Dark 》Minsung

26 》In My Hands

One word.

No.

This doesn't feel good.

This doesn't feel right.

It may have been the absence, that far distance separating them from ever reaching each other no matter how close together their bodies were, that far, far away gap which glossed over the camboy's eyes when Minho pulled out of the kiss. It may have been the roughness of it all, the way those slim fingers clawed at him as if he was slipping from his hands and Jisung was desperately hoping he could catch the hacker before he fell away, the insistence of the kiss and the heavy breaths that tried to yank him back in, despite Minho balancing his palms against the wall to separate them. It may have been the usually attentive Jisung, always checking, always asking, always looking for levels of comfort through whatever they did, no matter what it was, always watching Minho's face carefully, always sensing when he tensed and became unsure; It may have been the complete disregard, not noticing how a discomfort washed through Minho.

It may have been the realization that Jisung didn't look at him at all, that caused unease to simmer beneath his body.

Save for the few moments when he felt embarrassed from a silly action or stammered shame which was hurriedly reassured with giggles and kisses, Jisung always looked him in the eyes. He always watched Minho when they were together like this.

This isn't right.

This doesn't feel right.

This doesn't feel like it usually did.

With that, Minho...

Minho dropped his hands from the wall and stepped away from Jisung's grip, silently removing the hands from his shoulders to lightly hold in his, "I want to stop. I'm not comfortable."

The hands in his were shaking.

Trembling gently as he watched the camboy's heavy eyes go wide on their fixed spot, somewhere behind them, somewhere far from where they truly stood within that apartment, within that world. Quivering with a hastened rhythm as Jisung finally, lifted his head back from where it hung loosely, lifted his scarlet wormed eyes to look up at the older, to finally look at him. To finally see them as they connected that distant chasm gaped between them with the bridge of his hands squeezing down onto the hacker's, to see the gentle horror sparkling in Jisung's eyes as he finally noticed the rigid manner Minho was squared off in. Finally rushing out those questions he was so familiar with hearing, "Did I do something wrong? Did I go too far?"

"That's what I'm wondering, you seem distant, Jisung. I don't want to do this if you're not enjoying it too," Minho squished down on the fingers in his palms, doing his utmost to send reassurances with that pressure to those anxious nerves pressed into his; Reminders he wasn't upset, he wasn't mad with Jisung, he wasn't furious he couldn't have him in the way the camboy thought he did, he didn't want more than to comfort him as he was. Than to tip his head to see the weight behind the falling eyes, to try to step closer to him to see beyond the fog clouding them, shrouding them from revealing what that mist concealed away. He tried to pull him in, pulling him off the wall to embrace him, "You not being present, feeling absent, doesn't feel like you're..."

Even if he could feel the lithe body tense up against him, a hiccup from those lungs that was muted away while Jisung's hands wrapped around Minho too. Even if he could feel the slight breaths falling into his collar, the warmth from his shudders ghosting underneath the thick fabric of his favorite white hoodie, the shaking of the back he tried to rub patterns into for comfort. Shapes traced along his spine, his rigid shoulder blades, all trying to fall away to the pain stabbing through his heart at the resignation to those gentle noises, to slip from his grip while he soared too close to that sunlight dancing in his hands, waiting for it to melt the wax of his palms wanting to hold him close, wanting to become closer to him, wanting to fall just as hard to the oceans below as he wished to plummet to the sky to meet that blazing star he gazed at.