Mama's Love

VI

Omniscient
Today was the day that Cole family laid their child to rest. Londyn had been up the night before crying and crying, she couldn't face the fact of burying her big sister.

Londyn looked in the mirror not even recognizing the woman staring at her. She had bags under her completely dark eyes, tear stains on her cheeks, and puffy red eyes. The young woman was lost and wasn't prepared for the next painful hours.

"Graciebug come on baby it's time." The faint voice of her Aunt brought tears to her eyes. Karen quickly noticed and pulled her into a much needed hug.

"Let it out baby." Londyn sobbed in her Aunt's arms feeling lost and numb. She couldn't wrap her head around the idea of burying her sister, protector, and best friend.

"How a-am I supposed to bury h-her?" The broken woman said barely above whisper.

Karen sat there speechless. She knew there was nothing she could do or say that could change Londyn's feelings, all she could do was be there for her.

The car ride there felt so long to both Dorinda and Londyn, they both had on their shades so no one could see their dark puffy red eyes.

"Today we lay our dear sister Ryan Lenetta Cole to rest. Ryan was the sunlight when the rain poured down. She was the laughter everyone needed, her goofy self made every one smile and laugh even when it wasn't the right occasion for it. Ryan was a daughter, sister, friend, confidant, whatever you needed her to be she was there. She was truly an angel." The pastor voice cracked as he talked about Ryan.

After the first couple minutes Londyn shut herself out from the world. She had tuned out the yelling and crying from the back, her mind went to her fond memories with her sister.

Flashback
"Ry?" A curious and young Londyn said.

"Yes poodie?"

"What's Heaven?" Ryan had stopped what she was doing to put her full attention on her little sister.

The older sister took a deep breath before answering her younger sibling. "Heaven is a place where people send their loved ones after they pass."

"That seems scary." Ryan shook her head then responded.

"It's not because God and Jesus is up there waiting on us. Our family too. Don't ever be scared when that time comes Gracie, if you live you life through God then I guarantee you when you get there everything you ever fought for is gonna pay off there."

After the funeral; Londyn's POV
I hated that everybody kept staring at me like I didn't belong and when I say 'everybody' I mean Nikki and her little clique. I swear the way I was feeling I'll go thea with anybody.

"Baby girl you up to talk?" I turn to see my tired mother. I finally got the chance to examine my mother and she honestly looks like me, tired.

I followed her into my childhood room, it was like everything was just as I left it. Nothing was out of place. After 5 years you would think they would do something else with it but I guess not.

"You wanted to talk mama?" I said softly. I had been dreading talking to my mother since I came
home. Forgiving her has been hard on me because I been trying to figure out if she deserved my forgiveness.

"I know I haven't been the perfect mother but I tried my best to raise you and siblings. Especially you, me and your father was told one too many times that you wouldn't live past 1 but here you are at 23 years old." I couldn't tell where the conversation was leading to but I wanted to speed it up.

"I guess I'm tryna say I'm sorry honey." I just stood there and examined her face and body language. Everything in me just wanted to end the conversation and say 'It's okay mom' but I knew if I want forgive then it has to start somewhere.

She started to head for the door because I didn't say anything. "Do you even know what you're sorry for?" I said softly to grab her attention.

"Hm? Do you know why you're saying sorry?"

"What you mean Grac-"

"Cut the bullshit mama. You're just saying sorry because you feel guilty, and you always have. You don't even know what you're saying sorry for."

"Well I would if you would talk to me.. every chance you get you avoid me." I scoffed at the words pouring out her mouth.

"How do you face the person you feel resentment towards?" I must have triggered something inside because her eyes turned dark like mines.

"Resentment?"

"Mama don't act dumb. You know why. Because you let that man break something in me that should've never been broken." I said with tears forming in my eyes

"I didn't let him do anything Londyn. Okay I didn't know-" Before she could finish her sentence I felt myself explode like a ticking bomb.

"HE WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND MAMA! YOUR BEST FRIEND RAPED ME AND YOU DIDNT BELIEVE ME!" I snapped

"you didn't believe me mama.. you were supposed to believe me." I softly cried.

"I was 15 mama, FIFTEEN! That man you called 'friend' took everything away from me. And you didn't believe me...YOU SHOULD'VE BELIEVED ME!"

"I did believe you! Why you think he "disappeared" after you told me? Huh? You ran away before I could tell that I fixed it." She said with tears in her eyes.

"Fixed what mama? You just removed the common denominator but you didn't solve the problem. I was left in pieces, physical and mental pieces. You can't fix that!" I yelled. How can someone be this naive?

"I TRIED LONDYN! YOU RAN AWAY FROM ME! I WOULD'VE DONE ANYTHING TO HELP YOU HEAL! ANYTHING! EVEN IF THAT MEANT KILLING THE BASTARD THAT HURT YOU AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID!" She said trying to get me to listen.

"Hey! You're both gonna wake up Erra Lynn. Doe go check on the baby and I'll be out there soon." My aunt Karen said softly.

My mother looked at me with tears falling from her eyes saying I'm sorry once and for all. I felt my chest tighten and my breathing quicken. It felt like the world was crashing on me.

"Breathe nugget. Just breathe." My aunt said while laying my head to her heart so I could follow her heartbeat.

After my moment upstairs I figured I head downstairs to get ready to leave. I felt like I overstayed my welcome and quite frankly I needed to get away and just breathe.

But it seem like trouble just couldn't stay away from me. "What the fuck you do to my mama?!"

"Nikki go on somewhea." I said letting my lil southern accent flourish.

"Hell no! You think you can just come up in here and make my mama cry on the same day I had to bury my sister, you done lost ya mind Londyn!" She said getting rowdy. Anyone who know me knows I hate when people get loud with me, it just pisses me off even more.

"Nikki leave her alone damn." I heard Kierra say, now Ki don't ever cuss but when she do she beyond upset.

"No offense lil cousin but stay out of this, stay over there and watch that little bastard child." Without thinking I punched her in her mouth. No bitch is ever gonna disrespect my child not as long as I'm living and breathing.

It was like I couldn't stop, I kept punching and punching til I felt my father and brother pulling me off Nikki. Even then I didn't stop I found a way to kick her in stomach before I was pinned up on the wall.

"LET ME GO!" I screamed scaring everybody. I saw nothing but pure darkness. I wanted to break everything in sight.

"Mommy.." My daughter's cried brought me back to reality, I immediately felt a shame that she saw that.

"Stay with Kierra baby, I love you." I kissed her forehead and headed for the door. I started my car and just pulled off. I didn't know where I was going but I just kept going until I couldn't see due to the tears making my vision blurry.

"GODDAMN IT!" I yelled hitting the steering wheel repeatedly.

"Lord I can't do this anymore."