The Internal Devices

Chapter 30

Spring came and went, but Hermione hardly noticed. Her days consisted of turning in half-finished assignments, sitting silently through meals, taking long walks with Pansy and Astoria, and sliding into Draco's arms at night. Every day bled together, and Hermione found that she really didn't care about anything. A series of 'what-ifs' cycled through her mind, over and over, morning til night. After that first conversation the day they buried Theo, she and Draco didn't speak much. Instead, they shared the heaviness in silence. There really weren't any words to articulate what they were experiencing, so it was easier to say nothing at all. Every morning, Hermione would lightly tug down the arm resting on her torso; with every passing day, he seemed to hold her tighter. She would quietly walk back to her dorm to change. Ginny didn't ask any questions, and always had Hermione's uniform ready for her when she returned. A few times, Hermione tried to thank her, but Ginny would shush her and pull her into a hug.

"I love you, Hermione," she would whisper.

"Love you too, Gin," Hermione would murmur. She supposed she really was lucky to have such amazing friends. Friends who may not understand the pain she was in, but who never left her side and made sure she was taking care of her body. Like clockwork, on Wednesdays and Saturdays, Astoria pulled Hermione to the prefect baths and filled the water with glowing green bubbles. As she rubbed shampoo into Hermione's neglected hair, Pansy would dangle her feet in the water, chattering about the latest gossip. In those moments, Hermione didn't exactly feel full, but she didn't feel totally empty. It was something.

The end of term approached. Hermione and Draco both did the bare minimum but managed to pass their NEWTs. When asked what they planned to do after Hogwarts, they changed the subject and left the conversation as quickly as possible. Part of Hermione hated the thought that there could even be a future without Theo. She didn't want to experience anything new if he wasn't there.

She hadn't been back to the lab since that last day; there wasn't any point. She had failed, and in the worst way. True, Theo's blood curse wasn't her fault, but if she had only figured out what was wrong faster, or finished developing that spell, maybe things would've been different. So she left the equipment to gather dust, the notes to remain forgotten on the tables. That was a project for a different girl, and Hermione wasn't sure she'd ever see her again.

On the last day of term, Ginny packed up her things and prepared to go home to the Burrow. She had begged Hermione to come with her, but Hermione insisted she was fine, she would find her own place. Professor Mcgonagall assured her she was welcome at Hogwarts until she found a flat in London. Ginny only nodded, instructing Hermione to visit soon, and dragged her things downstairs. Astoria and Pansy came to say goodbye a few hours later–they had both obtained new ministry jobs. Hermione hugged them and said she'd be alright. She watched from the window as hundreds of students were ushered to the carriages that would take them to the Hogwarts Express; students that would be reunited with family in a matter of hours. She shut the curtains.

Hermione sat back on the edge of her bed; she tried to read one of her favorite books, Emma, but she couldn't seem to focus. Eventually, she set the novel in her lap and began staring at the wall. There were seventy-seven stones if you counted across, and thirty-four if you counted down. To be sure, she counted over and over, and the methodical process calmed her. She was on her tenth round when her door creaked open.

Draco shut the door with a click and sank to his knees, looking up at her. "Alright?"

She nodded. "Did you know there are thirty-four stones from floor to ceiling?"

He frowned at her and rose to sit beside her on the bed. He tucked a curl behind her ear and spoke softly. "I have something for you. I found it when I was clearing out the room today." He held out a folded piece of parchment, and she glanced at it in confusion but took it from him. She didn't remember leaving any papers in his room.