I am?

D

D for Decline

If reincarnation was real... then I must have been a horrible person.

What did I do in my past lives to end up like this?

Was I someone do conduct criminal activties to make a living?
Was I corrupt authoritive figure?
Was I a bad parent to my own children?
Was I someone who had murdered someone?

I must have done something.

But if reincarnations were real then everything is deserved. Do I have to get through life like this and get good karma?

Then when I die would my next life be the same? Will it be better as I was the one that finished myself? Or maybe worse?

Wishful thinking says it'll be better. I'll start as a clean slate. I'll be able to enjoy life like everyone else. I'll be like a normal person.

On the other hand, wouldn't it lead to a worse life? Since I tried to escape my punishment, it's only logically I'll have severe consequences.

Maybe my previous past lives had off themselves and that's why I'm like this. If so then am I suppose to follow suit?

It's all wishful thinking in the end.