Promise Me (Dazai x OC)

You Were Jealous

Dazai had brought me home. It was a quiet trip, outside of his awful driving that had enticed a few honks and break checks from traffic when he inevitably drove out of his lane. Normally, id beg for the silence over his incessant chatter, but today was different. I had so many questions. So many thoughts and feelings. I just couldnt seem to formulate the words to ask. I couldnt bring myself to face him. I didnt know if i was more scared of him, or his answers.

"Dazai," it was barely above a whisper, but it caught his attention before he made it out of the apartment door to leave me again. It bothered me that he was never home. I felt like i had just taken his apartment from him, and i never wanted that. He had his ear turned to me over his shoulder, facing the empty hall.

"Chuuya said some things," I toyed with the ends of my sleeves. I awkwardly sat back on the bed, hoping he would come back inside so i could get some closure.

He obliged - closing the door and pressing his back to it. "Im sure he did," he agreed.

"You used to be part of the Port Mafia," i started. I didnt really know where i was going with it. I guess i was just hoping hed somehow know what i was getting at.

"I dont sense a question," his patience was thinner than usual, and it made it a lot harder. The way his hands rested in his pockets said that he was as aloof as usual, but part of me knew that wasnt the case.

I shrugged. "I guess it wasnt a question. I just wanted to know if the rest of what Chuuya said was true," I dropped my gaze to the floor. My feet dangled over the edge of the bed, reminding me of how short i was.

Dazai pushed himself off the door to come sit next to me. He put his arms back behind his back, and crossed one foot over the other. "Did you get your answer from such a simple statement?"

"Quite the opposite, actually," I brushed my hand agains my arm in an attempt to self soothe. I knew Dazai wouldnt hurt me, but my anxiety was at an all time high. I think it was the unpredictable nature of his that always put me on edge.

"If you want answers, you need to ask. I am not a mind reader," he noted.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself. "He said you only care about yourself. That you'd mess with someone just because you could," it was hard not to stutter. The words nearly tumbled over themselves with how hard i had to push myself just to speak.

"Thats mostly true,"

"Mostly?"

He didn't offer any further explanation.

"Why?"

I could hear him sigh next to me. "Because anything that i never want to lose is always lost. This is how its always been for me. Everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it, and nothing i persue is worth the cost of prolonging this life, this suffering,"

"Dazai," my tone was pathetic. I know it was, because I couldnt stop myself as i turned to him.

He was laying fully on his back with his forearm over his eyes, as if shielding himself from the world around him. My heart ached for him. All i wanted was to help him, but i didnt know how.

"Dont you dare pity me. When you pity yourself, life becomes an endless nightmare," he mumbled into the dense air. It was probably at that very moment, when i realized that Dazai was more broken than I was.

"You asked me a long time ago if i would commit suicide with you," i started. I waited until he pulled his arm away to finish. "Is that still something you'd strive for?"

We held each other's gaze like it was the only way to keep our hearts beating. There was such intensity that swirled within those orbs of amber. It didnt seem like it would matter if the world had suddenly caught fire, for the only warmth i wanted was whatever rested behind those eyes. No matter how well he hid himself from our peers, i would always try see through it.