How To Deal With S**t - A guide to help you stay positive in life

How to deal with unwanted suitors

Are you tired of schlepping all the love letters inside your home every day? My mistake - nowadays we get texts. Or are you running from all the suitors (and people mistake it for going for a run)?

I have had the odd unwanted suitor. Unwanted because it was unrequited. Depending on your personality and the circumstances you might feel elated even if you don't feel the same way. Or you feel uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable.

He was in my circle of friends and he hadn't talked about it directly but he had sneakily tried to ask me out (I didn't really get that at the time as we were friends). I behaved in the wrong way. Absolutely. I feel really ashamed to this day. I made fun of him in front of our friends for liking me . I didn't know how to deal with a situation like a grown-up back then. I had seen he had a profile photo of mine saved to his phone and it made me feel uncomfortable. It felt so out of my control. I felt like I was being used or objectified. Like I couldn't control this image he had created of me and I disliked not being in control. I think said something along the lines of him using my photo to have fun. I remember this moment with so much shame.

I apologised to him and he turned out to be a much bigger person than I was. We even spent time alone as friends years later and I apologised again though it felt like I could never undo what I did, and that is a truly shitty feeling. One of our common friends told me something that made me think my words back then really hit him. I remember wanting to stop him from being my suitor and the only way I thought I could do this was if I was mean. I probably succeeded but I'm writing this so you don't repeat my mistake or maybe try to understand why people do dumb shit like I did. 

Later I was asked out by another guy and I tried to handle it differently. He was a closer friend, my best friend really. He wanted to talk about the feelings but I didn't. I didn't feel the same and I didn't want to be more uncomfortable than I was. So I think I said we should have a bit of distance. I hoped this would help him get over it. He was offended so we lost contact. I tried getting back in touch with him some months later but he didn't want to. Another friend of his told me he was still offended. Years after that he tried getting back in touch with me and wanting to meet up, now it was me who was uncomfortable with the situation. I couldn't imagine meeting alone. There was a reunion coming up so I suggested we'd meet there instead of alone. He was a bit insulted by that but for some reason the reunion didn't take place. Some days I miss him as a friend but I also feel like some nice things he said were maybe tainted by feelings he had. And to me it's like he might have had rose coloured glasses. I think we'll meet again and it will be fine but I needed to not rely on his advice so much and become me (back then I needed his advice badly).

Another time I lost another friend with the suggestion that we needed space. I know from being on the other side of this equation, that if you have feelings for someone but they don't feel the same - you should try to get space between the two of you. Otherwise - in my experience - it will feel like an open wound each time you see him again. For him, me being the first person he had this situation with, he felt offended as well and said he didn't need that. I tried staying his friend but he became overly jealous with my other friends.

I hope you don't feel like I am boasting - all of this happened over years and I do have more male than female friends, so the probability for something like this to happen, is then much higher I suppose. I also don't feel like this is good. Each of these situations was draining and didn't make me feel attractive or anything. Instead it felt like something uncontrollable was happening and I couldn't save the situation  as much as I wanted to. I hope this consoles you - matters of the heart are often difficult and we all try our best with the little knowledge we have at that time, and sometimes only first-hand experience makes us wiser. If you are trying to get over someone, I suggest trying to stay away from that person and if you are trying to make it easier in an admirer - i suggest giving them space. It might not be an ideal solution but I think it leads to the least amounts of problems. If you have suggestions, feel free to share them as a comment.