SGE Oneshots and Stuff

5) Japeth- Better off dead

This is pretty much a part two of "I'm not real"

The part in italics is the voice in Japeth's head. -...- is him answering the voice.

Trigger warning: swears, suicidal thoughts, suicide, gore
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Japeth's P.O.V.
That morning I woke up back in my house, though I had no memory of how I got there. In fact, I didn't even remember falling asleep at all. Last I remember, I was standing on the cliff, staring unblinkingly at the spot where Aric had been. A million thoughts were swirling around my head, though one was crystal clear.

You're insane. You're delusional. What is wrong with you?

-Nothing-

That's what I tried to convince myself. Nothing was wrong with me. People see what they want to see. And I wanted to be loved. But now I was back where I belonged, in a house where no one loved me.

You belong in an insane asylum, you psycho.

-Shut up-

After what happened yesterday, I was a little worried to go downstairs. But I couldn't stay in my room forever. I needed to know how I got back here. So, I mustered up the courage to drag myself down the stairs, praying that my mother was asleep.

So much for that. Mother was sitting at the kitchen table, as was Rhian. When she heard footsteps coming forward, she turned her head to me. The smiling expression she had greeted Rhian with was gone, replaced with a look of utmost disgust at her disappointment of a son.

"Where have you been? You are not to be out exploring past ten." She snapped. She'd clearly forgotten that she'd kicked me out of the house. Or she simply didn't care. "Now then. Before you ran off, I do recall that you told me that I was wrong. That someone loved you. Who was this?"

Shit. She remembered. How was I supposed to answer that? I wasn't lying. I thought what I said was true when I said it.

Or did you just want it to be true?

-It doesn't matter. I know the truth now-

Or did you know it all along? You saw Aric because you wanted to see him, not because you believed he was there.

-Stop! I don't care anymore! He's gone and that's that-

But I did care. I cared about him more than I had cared about anyone else, even if he didn't exist.

"Japeth, are you going to answer me? Or was my question too hard for you?" Mother taunted.

She knew. She knew I didn't have an answer. She knew no one loved me. She just loved to watch me suffer. Oh well. There was only one answer I could give.

"I lied."

Her lips curled into a smirk. "What's that?"

"I lied. No one loved me. I made it all up."

Damn right you did.

-Stop it. You know this isn't true. I didn't make it up. I believed-

You didn't believe anything. You wanted. There's a difference.

"You're grounded." Mother pointed at the stairs.

"You got off easy." Rhian piped from the other side of the kitchen table. Fucking idiot.

"I will decide on the rest of your punishment later."

I shuffled up the stairs and back into my room. I flopped down on my bed and slammed my door closed. All I wanted was to be alone right now. But I was never alone.

You've really done it now. I'd give it thirty hours until she comes through this door and lets you have it.

That voice. That stupid, stupid voice. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my head off.  It always mocked my pain. Especially then.

Every time I tried to make the voices stop, the same image appeared in my head. One moment playing on a loop. Aric, sitting on the cliff next to me, gazing off into the brilliant sunset. His majestic violet eyes glint, reflecting the orangey sunlight. His messy black hair is tousled by the slight breeze and light catches his ivory skin. In that moment, he looked so beautiful and free. But instead of love, all I can feel is a painful sadness, reminded of the last moment we ever had together.

You're still sad about him? He's not even real. Get over it.

But I can't. Aric was the only person that ever loved me. Not even my own family loved me. Not the way he did. He understood me the way no one else did.

But he's not real. No one loves you. No one understands you.

-Aric did-

But he's not real!

-He was real to me-

You're not worth it. You don't deserve anyone. That's why he wasn't real. No one will ever love you.

-Shut up-

You're pathetic. Without him, you're nothing.

-Shut up!-

No one cares if you live or die. You're worthless.

-SHUT UP!-

I couldn't take it anymore. Life was hell without Aric. But there was no way out of the torture that is my life.

Ah, but there is.

-What?-

Aric was your reason to live. Now that he's gone, why not kill yourself? You don't deserve to live, anyways. You're better off dead.

For once, the voice was right. I was better off dead. Killing myself was the only reasonable option. I slowly walked to my desk, floorboards creaking with every step. I opened the drawer and pulled out the knife that I always kept in there for... safety reasons. My hands were shaky, unsure if I was really going to go through with it. I clutched hard around the handle of the knife, my knuckles turning whiter than they already were- if that was even possible. I raised a clammy, shaky hand to my neck, shivering at the frigidness of the blade as it grazed my skin.

That's right. Go on. Stab yourself. It'll all be over before you know it. Just kill yourself.

I held the knife to my throat, ready to do it. My whole body was shaking, now. Did I really want to do this? Did I really want to die?

It's the only way.

-Fine. On the count of three-

One

I double-fisted the knife and pressed it to my throat, making it slightly harder to breathe.

Two

I braced for the moment, taking deep breaths and preparing myself for the pain. This was the only way, I reminded myself.

Three

I stabbed my knife down, piercing my throat and spewing an aerosol mist of blood all over the room. I collapsed onto the ground, my body splashing into a pool of blood.

But the pain never came. Instead, everything just stopped. As I fell to the ground, everything went black. That's when it hit me. I was dead. Like, dead dead. My body seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces, my soul floating up to a far away place. A place where I was safe and no one could hurt me. But I was still alone. Nothing had changed. Not really.
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Author's note:

I don't really believe in heaven or hell that much, but they reference it in the SGE series, so I decided it exists in this universe.

That's all I have to say.

Vote :D