Why does it seem to be my fault? Why does everything that goes wrong in other people's life seem to be my fault? Am I such a bad person that people just get depressed, angry, sad and suicidal around me? I never remember doing anything wrong. I'm always diplomatic and I never say the wrong things. But why when I feel like doing something right I end up being wrong? I'm tired, in pain, abused, hurt, depressed, suicidal, hated, used, mistreated, taken for granted, rejected, drained and a lot more other negative emotions, but nobody sees that. Just because I don't cry in public doesn't mean that I don't cry myself to sleep. Just because I don't share my feelings in public doesn't mean I don't have them. Why do I have to look like the bad person when all I'm trying to do is save you from future pain that will hurt even worse? I'm so confused. I don't understand what I've done wrong. I won't understand until someone takes the time to explain to me. I don't think like everyone else and that's something that holding me back. I can't take this no more. I want out.
My friend once told me that I must help myself out of any tricky situations and hold my head up high. My response: I can't get out of a deep, dark, damp pit - with wet walls - if someone isn't willing to pass me a ladder and guide me up the rungs. Now she's begging me to not kill myself. Apparently I'm the reason that my ex-girlfriend can't sleep at night. The reason she locks herself in a bathroom. The reason she is not the same anymore. I'm the reason that she feels dead inside, but what about me? What about what she did to me?
She's the reason I walk around feeling guilty. The reason I wish I was never like. The reason I wish that she had fallen in love with someone that would love her and never hurt her. The reason I also can't sleep. One of the reasons I want to kill myself. One of the reasons I cry myself to sleep every night. Just because the people she cares about are blaming me for what is happening to her. What about me? Last time I checked we were all friends. Does every one think me so heartless? Why do the people I call friends see me as an enemy?
But maybe it is my fault. Maybe I'm the reason that she can't sleep, or eat, function properly. Maybe I'm the reason that they all hate me. Maybe I'm the reason that she hides away. And maybe I'm the reason that their bond of friendship is stronger.
Jay
YOU ARE READING
What you put me through... (trigger warning)
Poetry'What you put me through...' is pieces of some one's life written in spoken word poetry form or just in plain free verse poetry. The following are letters sent to a girl named Alice by a boy named Jay or Danny as he will be called in some parts of t...
