Fifty Shade Forever

The Past Will Always Catch Up

February 13 2016

"Oh come on Christian, children are not that bad."

"Anastasia, I had a 5-year-old boy who was in equal measure screaming, crying, and laughing in an area I thought was a professional work environment."

"He was a child Christian. Children scream and cry and laugh."

All he could do was shake his head, and pinch his eyes together. "All I'm saying is thank god we do not have children anytime soon. We wouldn't survive it."

That was all it took to make Gail's usually mouth-watering brisket taste like charred dirt. Chrisitan seemed oblivious to Ana's suddenly quiet disposition, as the night continued on in fictitious peace. She wasn't yet sure how to handle the news herself, but now the additional fear that her marriage would be slowly crumbling during her pregnancy slivered over her skin in hot gooseflesh. 

Later that night she decided she would have to be selfish. She wasn't going to let the happiest memories of her life deteriorate in place of the guilt she would feel for trapping Christian into a fatherhood he was nowhere near ready to accept. She wouldn't watch the happiest love she had felt rot into hatred and concealed loathing. She wouldn't-couldn't go through something like that. 

So the next week she dedicated herself to picking holes in their marriage, setting a cover that challenged every reason behind her soon decision. For with every withdrawal she made, Christian chased her with affirming words of love, passionate and gentle sex, gifts, and even his time away from work. 

"Anastasia, eat for me baby please."

"I'm not hungry right now Christian," her meek smile only made her look frailer in her current curled-up position on the couch. She felt as though she was experiencing the sickest breakup in the history of divorces. Living a lie of love, trying to force herself to feel anything but. 

He brought over the tomato soup Gail made along with bread which he had taken the crust off as to her specific taste. Placing down gently on the coffee table, he maneuvered himself behind her on the couch, until his whole frame enveloped her much smaller one. 

"Anastasia please talk to me, you haven't been yourself for a week," he cooed softly into her ears while stroking her arms. 

"I'm just tired," she whispered shutting her eyes to stop the tears that were building fall. 

His hands stopped their gentle caress and rested on her belly. While his left palm stayed flat against her stomach, his right drew further down to her navel, beneath the cotton band of her sweatpants and the lace string of her underwear. But his gentle assault ceased as he felt her stiffen on top of him.

"I knew it," he sighed. "You don't want me to touch you."

"Chrisitan that's not it. I love you. God do I love you," she said through the rocks in her throat. 

He moved them further up into a seating position and faced her. "Look at me," he commended softly. Her eyes stayed glued to her lap though. "Anastasia, look at me," he told her again, lifting her chin gently to meet his gaze. 

"I'm not happy," she whispered. 

His gaze searched hers worriedly. "Do you want to talk to me about it? Have I done something to upset you? Has someone hurt you? I'll call doctor Wix now and ask her to help-"

"Chrisitan," she said this more time with a slight muster of conviction. "I'm not happy in our marriage. I'm not happy with us. Or you."

His hands dropped from her face instantly. "Ana what did I do."

She just shook her head which had filled with unshed tears, finding herself unable to speak. 

"Talk to me dammit," he shouted frustratedly. 

"I want time apart to-"

"No Ana-"

"Christian I am both begging and telling you, I need you to give me space," she squeaked. 

"Then take I'll sleep in the guest bedroom, and we can get some distance that way. I'll only leave the room when you're not out there, or I'll buy an apartment next door. Just please don't leave."

"Christian-" she peeped.

"Ana I need you near me. I need you as much as I need oxygen to breathe."

She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He reached forward to hold her but in the quietest whisper she said, "Don't." His movements then looked as if he was struggling against invisible ties that were keeping his hands from her. He stood up quickly and paced in front of them.

"What happened Anastasia? Why are you breaking us!"

"I love you-"

"STOP! You are not allowed to say that then fucking tell me shit like you want to leave me."

"I need you too through Christian-" 

"Don't patronize me," he seethed.

"I'm not," she sobbed, "I truly do need you."

"I won't let you leave."

"The harder you hold me now the longer I'll leave when I break free."

His pacing stopped abruptly. His eyes ran from her feet to her head and back again. "Is that how you see our marriage? A prison?"

No! No! NO! her mind screamed though. How could you ever think that I'm not happy! She wanted to yell at him. Becuase you made him doubt bitch, his inner voice screamed back. But instead, though everything inside of her wanted to run into his arms, she said, "Right now, at this moment when I might regret happening later. Yes."