𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐢━━Nico di Angelo

13

Nico scrambled to his feet, his eyes wide in horror. Good Ajax thought. Let him feel that. Let him feel helpless and let him feel pain.

"I BEGGED YOU TO HELP ME"

Ajax didn't care he was crying, he felt hollow, his breathing all over the place, his head wasn't in the right place and maybe he would regret it all later but he didn't care.

"I was stabbed, I was dying, I begged you for help and you walked away"

"Don't call me a monster when you're the one who was on the wrong side" Nico spat back.

The crew had been divided. Frank, Leo and piper were on Ajax's side, Frank keeping him from beating the shit out of Nico. Leo was looking between the two trying to make up his mind. Ajax could already see Piper thinking hard about the dilemma

Jason and Hazel were nearer to Nico. 

"The wrong side?" Ajax sputtered. Nothing was making sense and everything was starting to make sense.

The full force of his memories coming back hit him so hard he actually gasped out loud. 

That's why the gods had taken his memory, so there would be no risk of him choosing to work with Gaea this time around. Shame and disgust wound itself inside Ajax. Had he really done all those things? But how dare Nico say any of the things he did? 

He was divided between hating Nico and hating himself. 

"The wrong side?" He repeated, "There is no right side and wrong side" 

He was yelling now, possibly looking mad himself, but he didn't care. A flash of hurt passed over Leo's face. He could see the doubt creeping in on them. 

No, no gods no that's not what he meant. He could fix this. That's not what he meant. 

"I begged the gods, like I begged you. I begged them to help me save my father" He choked out. He didn't know those memories himself, but they were real. Sometimes you don't know what exactly you know already until you put it into words and say it out loud. 

He could practically see the sky like it had been that night, a crescent moon hanging in the sky. He could smell the deodorant his father always wore, the older man's jacket wrapped around his tiny figure. He could hear his father's dying words, trying to keep the monster away from Ajax, trying to distract it. 

"They did nothing. Not a single one of them. I mean, I didn't even have a cabin at camp for fuck's sake!" 

"Percy fought for that, Percy-"

"Percy understood that neither side was completely right"

"Bullshit" Nico fumed. Ajax had no right to say anything about Percy. He'd met Percy once and suddenly he thought he knew the boy? How fucking dare he? 

"It's true, you all heard what he said my first day on the Argo II. The gods aren't perfect, though they claim to be" Ajax didn't give a single flying fuck that the sky was getting darker, he didn't care that thunder boomed overhead. He had half the mind to flip off the sky. 

He didn't know why he was feeling like this. Years of pent up anger finally being released? Was this who he was? He didn't know who or what he was. But he was not a good person. 

He wanted to be a good person. 

The fight drained out of him in that second. He slumped forward, his eyes downcast. Even Nico stared at him in surprise. 

"I- I didn't mean it like that. I meant... Luke did more for me than the gods ever did" He didn't want the others to hate him, please gods, don't let them hate him, "Luke was the one who taught me sword fighting, Luke was the one who gave me hope for a place I may belong, Luke was the one who made me realize the entire system was fucked."

Ajax dared to look back up. Piper's face was unreadable, Leo looked torn between sympathy and doubt, Hazel was looking between them in concern, Jason was just glaring at Ajax and Frank had lain a supportive hand on his back. 

"He may have been good at one time, but then he started slipping, losing himself to anger. I hated that I couldn't help him" Ajax wasn't sure he'd ever admitted the words even to himself before. "It was too late to back out by the battle of Manhattan. I was a coward then and I was a coward now. I'm sorry. I- I knew pieces of the story but not everything. I should've told you guys all of this before"

"How much did you know?" Jason was almost as furious as Nico. oh gods. 

"I know.. everything now" Ajax admitted. "But when I first got on the ship, I dreamt about dying"

He couldn't bring himself to look Nico in the eyes. 

"How many-" Ajax started again, "How many demigods did you kill that didn't have a chance to come back to life?"

Nico stared at him. 

"They were just kids like you and me, out of their depth. I saw their fear in battle, I heard their cries at night. They were just terrified kids" Ajax choked out. "You told me I chose the wrong side of history. I don't know how many casualties Camp Halfblood had, but even before the battle was over, hundreds of demigods on Luke's side were dead."

Death must not mean that much to the son of Hades. Ajax hated how neutral he still looked. He hated that there was no remorse in his expression, no 'I'm sorry' slipping from his mouth. Ajax, though he may have been on the Titan's side, hadn't killed anyone. And here was Nico di Angelo, proudly claiming his kills. 

"I would rather be on the side that questioned the ruling powers than one that slaughtered children"

"Children who weren't hesitant to kill us" Nico spoke up again. "Stop trying to justify it. And stop talking as if you're still on that side"

We. Ajax had said we. 

"Do we have to pick sides?" Piper asked. 

"Yes of course!? how else do we know he wont-" Jason was starting to get on Ajax's nerves now.

"I wont what? go help Gaea?" Ajax threw up his hands, "You don't get it, none of you get it. I didn't join the Titans cause I was evil or going through an emo stage or something. I did it because Luke was the closest thing I had to a big brother, because Luke told me we could fight for something we really wanted. And all we ever wanted was respect and recognition"

Ajax could see Nico's walls tearing down. 

He wasn't as sly as he thought he was. It was just small shifts in his expression, but Ajax could tell. He wasn't trying to present himself as a monster anymore. That's what he had come with the goal of in the first place. Tell everyone he killed Ajax so they would turn on both of them. 

And that's what had happened, right?

There they were, two monsters facing each other, neither moving a muscle. 

"I won't join Gaea or whatever the fuck you guys think I might do" Ajax spoke up at last. "If you want me to leave, I will, but I want to try and be better. I don't care who I was in my past life, frankly she's dead-"

"She?" Frank caught the little slip. Panic burst through Ajax. He tried not to let it show in his expression. 

"He" Ajax mended, "Slip of the tongue. What I meant was, I'm not that person any more. And you guys are the reason. So.. thank you for..." Oh gods he was making a fool of himself now, "uH- giving me a reason.. to.. be a better person. You guys are cool or whatever" 

He sprinted below deck as soon as he stopped rambling. He really should learn how to shut the fuck up.