The Dying Poet's Dream

Proper Goodbyes

I cease, not because I wish to stop.

I do not look back, not because I have no regard.

I look away, not because I cannot face it.

I cease because I feel my soul drain when I am near.

I do not look back, because I have looked back too much.

I look away because I have seen too much.

I do not do these things out of spite. 

I do this because I am realizing things.

Things that I saw long ago but was illusioned to believe.

My regard for you still persists but I cannot give any more.

I cannot take the same blows at my direction any longer.

I cannot take jabs towards me only to be told that it was "just a joke," anymore.

I did not respect myself then.

I did not see it clearly then.

I have tried to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister.

I have not been perfect in the slightest,

I can admit that.

I have said things and done things that to this day I am not proud of,

Things that I still feel guilty about.

I do not share my thoughts, not because I cannot trust.

I do not share my feelings, not because I cannot do it.

I simply refuse to let my heart be battered as before.

I remember things that others have done toward me,

I can often forgive them,

But I refuse to forget the damage it has caused.

The mask I see when I come near is as clear as day.

There have been words said to me that I dared not to repeat to you.

I have not been a good friend, a good daughter, nor a good sister.

I know this.

I am ashamed of it. 

I loathe it.

But I can say that I am learning.

I am learning what respect feels like.

I am learning what boundaries feel like when they are not stepped over.

I am learning what individuality feels like. 

I am learning how to take care of myself.

I am learning that I am more than capable of what people have said I would fail at.

I am learning that I have the ability to love, to be loved, to hurt, to feel shame, to feel sad,

To feel angry, to feel as though I actually have a place in this horrid world.

I am not saying goodbye to hurt anyone.

I am not saying goodbye to be malicious.

I am not saying goodbye to be selfish.

Rather,

I am saying goodbye, because I have realized what I have seen all along

But was too afraid to see it, too afraid to admit it, and simply too afraid.

I wish you the best of luck.

I wish you love.

I wish for you to find your place in the world.

I wish for you to find happiness.

Above all this... I wish for you to continue growing.