impossible

4

i was left there. not even on the bed. on the floor. naked and bruised. by my father and his friends. it was so bad, i couldn't get up. until my mom found me. she was furious. not at my father. but at me. my father had brainwashed her with some other lie. he said that i had consensual sex with his friends while he was sleeping.

my mom screamed at me to get up and get changed, but it was hard to get up. i told her that i couldn't get up and i needed someone to help me. i reached for her hand. she moved it away. she said that if i could have sex with older men, i could get up by myself. i snapped at my mother. i told her i was RAPED. she didn't believe me. of course. because i'm a boy. boys don't get raped.

i finally got up. i got dressed. i couldn't take life anymore. i just couldn't.

the blade was now covered in my blood. i had to go deeper. i had to die. nobody would care. nobody. no one loves me. no one.

i was almost there. i was almost going to cut deeper. until my mom walked in again. she stared at me with the blade in my hand. she ran to me, snatching the blade away. she started crying. she asked why i did this.

why? because i don't have anyone. what's the point of living if your own MOTHER doesn't believe that you been raped. for years. because i'm a male. because i'm a bully. because bullies can't get hurt. the only things i would hear if i told you that i have been raped was "how come you didn't push him off?" "that's nonsense" "no you weren't, sweetie" "you're confused." it all makes me discouraged, mom. i'm always apologizing. the only words i would say to dad is "no," "please," "don't do this," "stop" "i'll do anything but this," "i'm sorry," "i wont do it again," "i swear i won't, i'm sorry dad just stop." you know why? because he's raping me, mom. i keep telling you this but you don't want to believe that your husband is a bad man.

then, my father walked in on me saying that. i wish i didn't say anything. my father walked closer to me. my mother just watched. then, he was choking me until i was crying and couldn't breathe. he was punching me. he was on top of me. he was whipping me. he was offended. i was apologizing to him. i looked over to my mother. i begged her to help me. she was trying to get closer to me to help. but my dad pushed her and yelled at her to go away.

i begged her to stay, but i knew she couldn't. i could feel her presence on the other side of the door. my dad was fighting me. couldn't do anything. my dad is a tall, muscular and heavy man. before i knew it, he was inside of me. not in a good way, if there was ever a good way.

school was tomorrow.

questions were going to be asked.

uncomfortable ones.

forced to show scars.

forced to be shown as weak.

another day as a bully