Sorry and Thank You

Thank you

***

I feel like I just had a very long, nostalgic dream. One where I could see Mallory smile and laugh, and I could do so as well, alongside him. Those things feel like centuries ago.

I look up. The sun is setting, meaning visiting hours are probably going to end soon.

The golden rays warm Mallory's bedsheets, and I close my eyes, hearing the gentle chirping of birds in the distance. At this moment, Mallory would probably say something about needing to enjoy nature's song.

I miss him.

I feel a tickling sensation in my chest that felt like I want to cry, but no tears came out. I've cried enough tears on that day, I probably don't have the tears to cry anymore.

The door slides open behind me, and I hear the soft shuffles of slippers. It's probably a nurse, telling me visiting hours are over now.

I stand up and begin to brush over the creases in my clothes, "visiting hours are over right? I'll get going now."

"I'm not a nurse, Raine."

I feel myself freeze. I recognise that voice.

"Thank you for seeing my son everyday, I heard about it from the nurses. I'm sure Mallory would be happy, knowing his best friend has never forgotten him, nor had he stopped visiting."

No.

No no no.

I don't deserve those words.

I feel a warm touch on the top of my head, "thank you for accompanying Mallory all this time. He was happy."

There's a pain in my chest. Sharp and unyielding. It feels like relief, and grief.

She continues, voice gentle, kind and so much like Mallory.

I'm unworthy of that voice.

"I had a dream yesterday..."

"I saw Mallory, but I couldn't call out to him. I couldn't move towards him either. He just smiled at me, and said he loved me. He said thank you for being his mother, and for the life I gave him."

"Raine. He said thank you for being his friend and seeing all those sights with him. He said not to mourn anymore. You don't need to feel any more guilt."

"He said, 'I love you, Raine.'"

All of a sudden, I'm so aware of the silence. That the heart monitor beside Mallory's bed had gone silent, that Mallory's chest had stopped moving up and down, that suddenly, the being before me, once so bright and warm, had become so cold and quiet.

All of a sudden, I couldn't help myself from reaching for Mallory's hand. I hadn't felt his hand in so long, I hadn't allowed myself to.

It's cold.

So cold... but...

It's Mallory.

"Mallory..." I whisper his name, and soon follows is wet warmth dripping down my face.

"Mallory... Mallory... Mallory."

I want to say his name more, and more and more. The name I hadn't said in so so long. The name I've longed to say.

The words I want to say to him. Finally.

"Mallory. I'm sorry. Thank you."

"Mallory, thank you..."

"I love you too."

-END-