Dear Mister Summers

twenty four

She had known. She had fought the same battle, and despite her own desire to pretend she did not know how he felt she had been conscious of his sexual awareness of her every minute of the day. She was aware of it now, burning within both of them, a need so urgent it was painful.

Sebastian's face filled with harshness. "Andin, I want you, but I will not lie to you, and say foolish, easy nonsense like 'I love you.' A man is an animal. My need for you is a sexual drive so strong it has kept me awake at night, and if I was not awake, I would be dreaming about you and woke up with a painful hard-on. It drove me to near insanity when I had seen you and Damon. That nearly finished me. I have never been jealous before in my life, but I was then. And I was so so glad when you told me he was not your boyfriend." His piercing blue eyes burned down. "So now, go and enjoy your little triumph, Andin. I was half demented at the thought that he was doing to you what I wanted to do."

"Tian," she sighed, pain and anguish filling her. "I think it would be better for you to go. You are honest, I have to admit that, but our view of life is so different. You see sex as an appetite to be satisfied while I don't. I can't just have sex because my body wants it. I don't want any meaningless sex no matter how passionate and no matter how much I want it."

"But you want me," he said, unanswerably, and his eyes demanded her submission. "Andin, what do you expect me to say? That I love you too even when I do not?"

Andin gritted her teeth to keep herself from crying and breaking down. Those words hurt like hell. He did not love her. This was just another unrequited love.

"Can't you see that we both want it?" His hands possessively moved over her, his fingers trembling. "Can't you feel it, Andin? You feel the same way as I do. You want me as much as I want you. Admit it."

"I do admit it," she said quietly. His face flooded with triumph. "But it does not change anything. How many other women have you ever wanted, Sebastian?"

His expression altered, and a brooding look came into his features. He did not say a word and simply stared at her.

"I don't think you even know how many there have been." Andin bit her bottom lip and shook her head. Tears were close to spilling out of her eyes but she held them back. She must remain strong. "And I am not going to become one of your trophies. I am not going to be someone that you play with for a while then throw away."

"Andin, you do not understand. This time it is different," he said huskily. "I have told you I have never wanted anyone as much as I want you. This has never happened before."

"Perhaps that is because you have never had to wait before," she said drily. "I am well aware of your reputation. I witnessed you in action. I received the phone calls from those women, they were all desperately trying to get your attention." Andin gave him a sad smile. "But you see, I also received those calls you ignored even though they left a note requesting for you to call them back." One other reason besides the fact that he was her boss and that he had never paid attention to her, was because of those other women he had discarded after he decided that he was done with them. "Maybe you think I was different because I was out of your reach. It made you want to get me. Well, I am still out of your reach, Sebastian. I suppose you could always rape me, but you wouldn't enjoy that much, would you? And just so you know, I will never say yes to you again."

"Rape you?! I have never forced myself on anyone and you will not be the first!" He jumped off the bed and stared at her for a while. He ran his hands through his hair roughly. His eyes were leaping with tormented feeling, his jaw tense as though he was suffering acute pain. She looked back at him calmly. "And for the record, even though you are right that I did not return their calls, I met them in person. I feel that ending a relationship through phone is just a cowardly move."

"Fine. It still does not change the fact that I am not going to have sex with you."

"Oh, please. You have said no often enough before," he said, as though thinking to himself. "But just a few minutes ago, you were all hot for me."

"True," she admitted wryly. "But you will never get so close again, Sebastian. You will never have me."

Believing the certainty in her voice, he breathed harshly. "All right, you win. I will marry you. I have been in business for too long not to know that there are some things which you have to have, even when you know damned well the price is too high."

"Sebastian, you can't marry me just to get me into bed with you."

"No man marries for any other reason," he said cynically. "Women marry to get security for life. Men marry only because they are trapped. And silly me, I thought you were different. I thought you want me for me but you use sex to make me marry you. You want the Summers name, don't you?"

"That is where you are wrong," she said, shaking her head.

He looked at her angrily, eyes hardening, then a groan came from him. "Oh, really? It has taken you four years, Andin, and now I am willing to give up my freedom, to marry you. You caught me."

"If accidentally — without realizing, I somehow have caught you, then I am setting you free." She gave a shrug as she added, "You are free to go, I assure you."

He smiled mirthlessly. "Like hell I am free! You have had me in a corner for months waiting for me to admit I was beaten. I am past caring what price I have to pay to get you."

"Fine. You like things straightforward and simple, right?" she said calmly. "Here, let me put it this way. I do not want to go to bed with you and I refuse to marry you. Is that clear enough for you?"

She watched the dark color flush up under his skin. His nostrils flared in rage. She met his incredulous, angry gaze without flinching. It was easier to face his anger than his pain. She was aching with love for him even as she refused him, but she knew she could not marry him on such terms.

His features darkened and the coldness in his eyes nearly froze her to death. "So this is my price for being honest about my feelings and wants, huh?" Sebastian shook his head, a mocking smile forming on his face. "Is this your idea of a joke, Andin? You deliberately got me to admit I wanted you enough to marry you so that you could have the triumph of turning me down?" His face contorted with bitterness.

Sebastian stared down at her and his face slowly drained of color. Cruel lines of hatred carved themselves in the white stone of his face. She was shocked and alarmed by the expression in his blue eyes. "Whatever. Fuck it," he said hoarsely. He tied his dressing gown with a jerk of hands that shook, sent a comprehensive glance of savage dismissal over her body then walked unsteadily out of the room.

Andin lay there, long-dammed tears spilling down her pale face. The love she had recognized and admitted after so painful a struggle had proven to be full of anguish. It would have been so easy to marry him. At least she would have had something. Perhaps she should have accepted the desire he offered her, given him what he wanted, but she knew the aftertaste of the honey of passion would have been bitter in her mouth. She loved him and she wanted him desperately, but marriage between them would have been hell on earth for her, knowing he would never love her.