Never Truly Living

Chapter 16

Vera and Oliver Lynd turned one month old, four days into their stay in Brighton. Sam showed up that morning with a tiny cake and party hats for all of them. Vesper thought it a bit much, but was delighted anyway, and the two women helped the wide-eyed babies blow out their single candle.

Vesper continued writing in her journal as soon as they were settled. She had been doing her best to keep up with it, and had given James a very detailed account of Oliver and Vera's births, and the few weeks afterwards. But once the colic started, and M subsequently discovered her children's existences, she'd only had time to make a few short entries. There had been very little time to write when she had to pack up and travel to a new city, and then get oriented in the new city.

She also purchased a couple of cameras upon arriving in Brighton, after it occurred to her that she didn't have any photos of her son and daughter other than their ultrasounds. So she quickly remedied that, picking up a digital camera soon after they arrived.

Her children had grown so much even in the first few weeks after their births and she wanted to be able to look back at the photos in the future, to have evidence that they had actually been that small. These early months were so precious, she didn't want to forget even a second of it.

So she set about photographing her children every chance she got, every new thing they did and new face either of them made captured by the camera. She had also purchased a Polaroid camera, after spotting it in the store and getting an idea. She took a Polaroid of each child every week to detail their growths for James, pasting it into the journal.

M called often to check in on Vesper and her children, and to ensure that Sam's tenure as nanny was working out well. She also gave Vesper the name of a very reputable pediatrician, setting up appointments for Vera and Oliver.

Vesper could only accept the woman's favours graciously, not only because she had very little resources of her own, but also because it seemed like M was almost pleased to do these things for her. She knew that despite her stoic appearance, there had to be some measure of guilt the older woman felt over depriving her best agent of the opportunity to see his son and daughter grow up. She had seen it a few times, that little waver, just a little chink in her armour. But it never lasted long.

So Vesper took all the aid she could, from M and from Sam, trying very hard to resist that urge to withdraw again from society, to retreat back into that quiet life that she and her children had been living before coming to Brighton.

It helped that Sam was not very curious by nature, nor was she particularly wistful or romantic. She was practical and hard-working, and left Vesper to her own devices most times. She asked no questions about Vera and Oliver's father, or about Vesper's past. She was content to simply care for the young girl and boy and keep the flat clean, making idle chit-chat with Vesper about her own life, about her goals and experiences and family life. This suited Vesper quite well.

Vesper was starting to anticipate Sam's arrivals in the morning, as she had boundless energy and good spirits, and was smitten with the children. It was quite nice to have another person to depend on and defer to, and to help around the flat.

Days began to go by quickly as they set up this routine, and soon it was June, the weather becoming warmer and warmer as the weeks went on.

Vera and Oliver were growing quickly now, their little bodies starting to fill out. Vera's dark hair and Oliver's sandy blond hair was getting longer and thicker. As June went on, they both became even more vocal and coordinated, their arms and legs no longer moved about so jerkily. They seemed more aware of their environments.

They now both obviously recognised her face, and was starting to recognise Sam's as well, and one day in mid-June, as she played with them on the sofa after an afternoon feeding, Vera miraculously smiled back at her.