Never Truly Living

Chapter 7

Dr. Andrews kept his word, two days later, his nurse called with her scan date. There had been a cancellation, and they apologized, it was all very last minute, but they had been able to give her an appointment for the day after tomorrow.

Stunned, Vesper confirmed, and wrote down the time and location. She hung up, and stared at what she had written.

Two days, she thought. Two days before she would be seeing her child for the first time, and not only that, the doctors would be looking for anomalies. She would be told whether her baby was healthy, or, she thought, with a sinking feeling, not.
She took some deep breaths, clearing her mind of those awful possibilities. The hospital was further north than she had travelled these past few months. It was going to be odd for her, moving outside of her comfort zone, away from the quiet neighbourhood she had come to love.
She liked to stay in and around her neighborhood, it lessened the possibility that she might encounter someone she knew, or show up on one of London's large network of cameras. She knew that MI6 monitored them, and she couldn't help but wonder if M was keeping tabs on her that way. It was one of the reasons she liked to dress heavily, to hide her pregnancy from prying eyes.

The days went by quickly, and before she knew it, it was Friday. It was the twenty-second of December and she was slightly surprised to see Christmas decorations in shops and in homes, hearing people wish her greetings of happy holidays. It had barely registered to her that it was approaching that time, given everything she had on her mind.
So, Vesper found herself waiting at a bus stop for the first time in many years. It was slightly warmer today, but she still wore the wool sweater nonetheless, as well as a light coat. Her bump was becoming unmistakable, and had even grown noticeably in the four days since her appointment with Dr. Andrews.
It was slightly worrying to her, how fast her bump was growing. As she waited with the other half dozen people at the bus stop, she thought, if she was this size now, only about halfway through her pregnancy, how big was she going to get? How much longer could she hide it? If M decided to drop by her unannounced, or send someone to check on her, her condition would be undeniable, and the jig would be up.

She took several deep breaths to calm down, she needed to have her wits about her, and couldn't afford to be overwhelmed by emotion.

The bus trip took only twenty minutes, and soon she was walking toward the hospital, pulling her hat down lower on her head, silently that wishing she'd worn the sunglasses today. She felt so exposed, and insecure in this new area. She longed to be back in the secluded comfort of her flat.
But she entered the hospital anyway, checked in at the front and took her seat in the waiting room. It was almost two in the afternoon, and the waiting area was nearly full. A few people glanced at her, but she did not acknowledge them, instead, she chose to watch a small child play quietly next to his obviously-pregnant mother. She hadn't had much experience with children, with exception of the younger cousins she had lived with while in the care of her aunt following her mother's death. But she had not put much thought into what sort of mother she would be.
She was very unfamiliar with infants, had never held a baby, and had no friends with children, or young relatives. She knew that as her pregnancy progressed and as this child would eventually enter the world, she would be the only one tasked with its care. It was a thought that terrified her, that fact that she would be responsible this life, for feeding and clothing it and teaching it everything it needed to know.
She felt a slight frown press into her brow, and she looked away from the child. She still had plenty of time, she told herself, taking another deep breath. She still had at least four months for to prepare. She would be ready.
Soon she was called in and was told to lay down on the exam table. A technician soon entered, and shook Vesper's hand, introducing herself. Her name was Gemma, she checked Vesper's file before ensuring that she had taken plenty of fluids that day.

She pulled Vesper's top up and tucked it under her chest, she squirted a small amount of cool gel on Vesper's prominent bump. Then she touched an instrument to her belly. A picture came up on the nearby screen, though Vesper could not make anything from it, until the technician moved the wand and the outline of a tiny person flashed onto the screen in profile.
A perfect little head and a little button nose, attached to a neck and torso. Her child, and James's child; their child, visible to her for the first time. She had to remind herself to breathe, to take deep gulps of air. The technician moved the wand up slightly, and a second profile emerged on the screen.
"Well, Miss Lewis, it looks like you're expecting twins." The technician said with a smile.
Vesper was stunned. The fact that her body was supporting two lives, as well as her own. The miracle she thought James had given her, had doubled in over the course of a moment. She would be having two children. Two, not one. Children, not just a child.
It was the strangest thing, to realize that all this time, she'd so much company. On the screen she could see and feel the movement of each twin, to realize that the kick in her ribs was from a different person than the kick in her pelvis. She glanced at the technician, who smiled back at her, sharing her joy and surprise. Her face felt cold, and she was surprised to find it wet, she had been crying. She wiped her joyful tears away, slightly embarrassed.

The technician moved the instrument around, taking measurements of each twin, confirming her doctor's calculation of just past twenty weeks gestation, and a due date around the eleventh of May. And Vesper watched, rapt, as the wand was moved around her belly and her children's entire bodies were shown, two arms, two legs, hands and feet and fingers and toes each. The technician seemed satisfied with everything she saw, Vesper now completely oblivious to the discomfort of the plastic wand poking her.

"Would you like to know the sexes?" the woman asked, and Vesper turned to look at her, eyes wide. She hadn't even thought about that. She had only thought of the children's well-being, and truly had no preference.

"No," she said, shaking her head and she smiled. They would be a surprise, something for her to look forward to.

And then it was over, and the technician printed a little postcard-sized picture for her to take home, informing her that everything she saw looked good, but that the results would be looked over by her doctor and he would be contacting her. She nodded, taking the little card, unable to stop the smile that came to her lips when she saw the image.

She tucked it into her purse and thanked the woman. She left the hospital in a sort of daze, not unlike the one she'd felt earlier in the week after leaving the doctor's clinic. She felt light, she felt almost gleeful. She was going to have two children, they were healthy, and perfectly formed. Maybe her luck was changing.
She spent the bus ride home taking out the little picture, drinking in every little detail, running her finger over the tiny profiles. The black-and-white printout was fairly blurry, but she found her looking for any distinguishing features nonetheless, anything to link them to either her or to James. She couldn't find anything, and she smiled at how ridiculous she was being, tucking the photo back in her bag as the bus pulled into her neighborhood.

On the way home she passed a cute little bookshop, and suddenly an idea hit her. She slipped in, and grabbed a large journal off the shelf and, on a whim, a copy of a popular pregnancy book.

She left, holding a bag with her purchases, and walked down to a shop she frequented. She found what she was looking for after a couple seconds, on a rack next to shoelaces and sewing supplies.

When she got back to the flat, it was nearly four o'clock and the sky had darkened. She put her purchases on the table and hung up her coat and hat.

Then she pulled the little package out of the bag, opened it, and pulling up her top, she wrapped the plastic measuring tape around her middle. She noted the number, and pulling the notebook out of its bag, she wrote.

22 December, 2006
Nearly twenty weeks
Waist: 35 in

Dear James,
Today I got my first scan. It's twins.

She smiled as she wrote, detailing everything she could for him, everything that had happened, the changes in her body and her mood, the babies' movements as well as her fears about MI6. Once she was finished, she looked over the words, feeling accomplished, and that she wished that she had started this sooner.

She closed the book, and got up to make herself some dinner.