Only Time

Ch. 30 ~ Grief

They wanted to give me space. In the meantime, aunt Galadriel gave the order for the wagons to be returned to Rohan along with supplies, clothing, food, and wine for the people as a thank you on behalf of the kingdom for letting us take our own home. As that went out, elves starting rushing around, gathering all the needed supplies to load the wagons with. I saw none of this, I was crying unstoppable tears of pain as I huddled against the stone that would for all eternity bear the man who was my only male counterpart; my non blooded kin, my older brother. Haldir, son of Orodreth along with his beautiful spirit were gone into the stars. I prayed that my own mother would take good care of him wherever he was and his father would welcome him with open arms for his heroic sacrifice.

Time stood absolutely still for me, I never saw the sun go down or the moon come out; nor the fireflies chirp or the lights of Lorien shine and sparkle their eternal crystal shine. I saw none of it until all of a sudden, I felt arms around me. I looked up and saw the face of my cousin Arwen; she who was supposed to be half-way to Valinor by now. But no she stayed. Behind her stood my uncle. Both looked at me with sorrow on their faces and then Arwen whispered:

"Let us take you home, cousin mine."

I just nodded dumbstruck. I was in too much of a daze to realize why she stayed and how much of a good idea that ended up being. She slowly whispered into my ear that she saw an image of her son with Aragorn and she was not willing to give that up or the prospect of having more children with him. So somehow she knew something was going to change. She was not one to have a vision; that was me. I tried telling her about Haldir and each time, the words would get stuck in my throat but she soothed me and told me that she knew already.

She told me how Saruman was dead because Grima stabbed him when the others rode to Isengard to retrieve Merry and Pippin. That gave me a little bit of a relief to know that that fool was gone. That everything as I had promised was delivered to Rohan along with the wagons we had taken. Arwen was nervous that I was too ripe with grief to ride myself so Uncle Elrond tied Sunset to his steed and I sat behind Arwen on Asfaloth, her own steed as we rode back to Rivendell after I had said my goodbyes to my aunt. My armor and everything else I needed was put into my satchel and attached to Sunset who was all healed and clean.

Elrohir stayed behind and did not sail off to the undying lands but was the one who delivered everything to Rohan with a message to Legolas that I was on my way to Rivendell and that uncle Elrond was very worried about my grieving but thought it would pass with time. Legolas, of course, being who he was, wanted to ride to Rivendell immediately but was told to stay put and that he was needed there. Aragorn wanted to know about Arwen but was told cryptically same as I had told him, that he must always have hope. And that would have to do for now.

I learned that Mithrandir with Pippin had ridden off to Gondor knowing full well that Sauron would strike upon them next and he had to warn the steward in current control to get themselves ready for war. Meanwhile, I asked about Frodo and Sam for I could not see anything and Arwen said that all she knew was that every day they were inching closer and closer toward Mordor. I just hoped he would get there in time. Now it was time for me to mourn and get my strength back before I entered the next battle and it would soon be upon us, I knew that. This time a lot closer to Gondor if not upon the fortress of Minas Tirith itself.

As we entered Rivendell and I smelled the familiar smells of trees and flowers, I dismounted the horse and thanked my cousin for the ride as I hugged her and my uncle close. Them bringing me home was one of the best gifts they could have given me. I knew I was not done mourning but there was only one place I could do that properly and that was at my mother's waterfall. As I walked slowly toward it, they let me go and went about their own business. The elves that I passed, bowed graciously to me and I nodded at them.

As I neared the place I felt safest in all of the lands, I took out a tea light candle and a purple lily and lit the candle from the lantern hanging nearby. I set the tea light on the flower and floated it in the waterfall as that was my way of paying homage to the deceased. I also got a white lily and tea light in honor of my mother. I sat there and cried and spoke to them both about how much I loved them and missed them and forever would. Purple was for a male or Haldir in this case and white was for a female or my mother. I sat there talking to them for hours; sometimes crying. I knew this was the most cathartic place for me to be. I also knew that Haldir would not want me to spend weeks mourning over him especially when there was a treacherous war going on.

At some point, I got up and wiped my face with my kerchief, realizing I was still wearing the black mourning dress. I decided I would wear it until it was time to fight again or until I was ready to wear color. I would mourn properly and then I would let him go with peace as I faced more adversity. I would always love them both but I had to go on living at some point. My hair blew in the breeze as I realized I had already been crying more or less non-stop for 4 days maybe more. There was no end to how one grieved and I was determined to do this one right for me.

Somewhere among those stars that shot across the sky in the light of the large full moon, I knew Haldir was looking down at me and smiling; he like my mother would always be with me. I knew he was proud of me. And that made all the difference in the whole wide world.