Sarah Paulson Mental Health One Shots

Can I hold you? - Diane Sherman

TW: Self harm, alcohol, Scars
backstory: You we're out late one night getting drunk with your friends. It was a coping mechanism, obviously not the greatest, but anything to get your mind off your struggles. You get home late to find your mom, Diane, worried and in a state of that panic and concern.

Y/N
"Bye bitches!!!" I yelled hopping out of my friends car.
We went party hopping from house to house all night, I was definitely wasted.
I checked my phone and the time read 1:34 A.M. I also saw numerous messages and calls from my mom.
"Fuck." I stumble to the front door struggling to find my keys to open the door.
Suddenly the door swung wide open.
"Inside. Now." I looked up and saw my mom with basically steam coming out of her face.
"Well hello to you too mommyyy" I stumbled over my words.
"Okay you have a few seconds to explain whatever the fuck this is. I mean seriously, Y/N? You go out with friends, WITHOUT my permission might I add, and get drunk? I mean you didn't even have the decency to check in with me. A 'Hey mom i'm alive' would've been nice. I was this close to calling the police. So please explain yourself. Help me understand why, Y/N. This behavior has gone on for too long."
She stood there with her arms crossed. She looked infuriated but her eyes were full of fear and worry.
"seems to me, I don't need to explain anything. You understand just fine."
I walk into the kitchen ignoring her presence in search of some ice-cream.
She followed quickly behind me, "Hey, you can't just walk away. Drunk or not, we are having a conversation. Please, I know something's up, but I am your mother. Please don't push me away, or at least just show me an ounce of respect."
I was searching throughout the freezer, ignoring her, and found a tub of ice-cream. I grabbed a spoon and ate it straight out of the bin.
She just stared at me with that annoyed mom look she always gave me.
I shrugged my shoulders, "What? do you want some?" I offered my ice-cream to her.
She stood speechless, almost amazed at my response.
"Y/N. I can't take this any longer. I've stayed silent for too long. You've been distant and cold.. and I want to help. Are you struggling with depression again? If you need therapy, I will get you back in. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my babygirl feel better. I just can't keep living like this, and neither can you i'm sure."

I set down my dessert and looked down in defeat, "Mom I am okay, I can handle it. I've had depression before, it's not a big deal."

I heard her sniffle. She was crying. I look up, "mom I am okay, it's okay." I tried to reassure her.

"Honey please just let me help you. What you are using to help cope isn't healthy. We've been down this road before. With drinking.. and self harm.." She was wiping her tears.
My face grew red and I looked away embarrassed. I started self harming a few weeks ago. my wrists had scars all along them. I crossed my arms trying not to cry.

"Honey..are you self harming again?" She came closer to me cautiously, respecting my space.
I shook my head and started to cry. I couldn't find myself to look at her in the eyes.

"Let me see." I shook my head with tears falling from my cheeks, "Y/N let me see." she tried to gently grab my arm and I jerked away.

"DON'T TOUCH ME. I'M FINE."
she backed away and her breathing hitched, "then show me. give me reason to believe you. Pull up your sleeves." she held her hands together over her mouth and cried helplessly looking at me. "please baby" she whispered.

I rolled my eyes "fuck it." I rolled my sleeves up revealing my cuts and I sobbed.
"There. are you happy? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?"
I put my arms out in-front of me giving her a clear view of what I had done.
I looked at her and she was fixated on my arms. Tears were endlessly pouring from her face.
"Momma please say something. FUCKING SAY SOMETHING. IM SCARED PLEASE."

"Can I hold you?" she said trembling over her words. I just nodded feeling vulnerable. She quickly came over and hugged me tight, kissing my head. I cried in her arms and my legs gave out. She slowly guided me to the floor and cried with me.
She grabbed ahold of my arms and gently kissed my scars and then kissed me all over my face.
I cried watching her movements, "I'm sorry momma. I love you. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I was just scared. I'm sorry."

She hugged me tight again placing her chin on top of my head, "I know baby, I know. We are going to get through this together. I know it's hard, I can only imagine how you're feeling. But I need you to promise that the self harm is going to stop. I know it's easier said than done, but I am right by your side. We can get through this together."
I nodded at her words.
"I love you so much my perfect perfect girl. You are worth it okay? You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worth living. You are deserving of happiness. You are deserving of life."
I choked out, "Thank you"
"But I think what will help you the most right now, is some water and to get you in bed. You can even sleep with me if you'd like. How does that sound?"
I nodded my head. And with that she kissed my cheek. "Alright my love, let's get up. We are going to get through this." She reassured me.