And One Day We'll Meet again

All the clouds in me are raining — r.h. Sin

Mina, if I die, can you please tell them it's not their fault?
,,Dino, what are you talking about, you won't die" she laughs. But what didn't warn her at this point was that I would. It was my last meeting with her, my best friend. The one I've known since kindergarten, who went through thick and thin with me, who knew all my secrets, but she didn't know one thing. I'm gonna kill myself tonight. How, why, when, where? You will find out about that at a later date.

Chapter 1

I have to say I grew up in a nice home, I have only nice memories from my childhood. I had a lot of friends, was popular, got good grades and my long blond hair and my actually slim figure magically attracted the boys to me even then. I played tennis and was  very successful. But the best memories I have, are with my dad. I absolutely adored him. He was my big hero and I always wanted to be like him when I grow up, I wish I could still look at him like I did when he carried me out of the car while I was sleeping, well actually I just did as if I was sleeping because I wanted to be carried home by him. My father picked me up and whispered in my ear :
,, You don't have to pretend to sleep, I will always carry you in my arms.'' At that time we lived in a small town in Bavaria. I also have the best memories of that Place. I played hide and seek with my friends in the settlement until it got dark and just came home to eat and sleep. It's actually funny that I never wanted to go home back then because I wanted to continue playing with my friends. When I think about it now: I don't want to go home because I can't stand it there. In 2016 we moved to the countryside. A lot changed with that moving. My father started to work more often to pay for the house, my friends were all far away, I had to change my tennis club where I had played for 8 years. My parents did not have much time left for me and I was home alone a lot. It must have been around that time that I started hurting myself. I wasn't actually bad, I mean I had everything I needed. But it was a scream for attention, because all the people who were always around me were suddenly not always there. I just felt terribly lonely. At that time I was in 7th grade at a girls' secondary school. I love my school now, but at the time I hated it terribly. Well, the girls were going through puberty and there was a lot of fighting between us. I still had a lot of friends back then, but the problem is that a lot of friends has nothing to say about your life. You have many friends, maybe over 30, but real and true friends can usually be counted on one hand. I actually got the self-harm under control relatively well because I distracted myself with tennis, I trained about 12 hours a week and even won the Bavarian championships, something that drew the attention of my family and friends on me. As sad as it may sound, I needed and still need attention to feel loved.

Chapter 2

Time passed and I was in 9th grade, I have to say, by the 9th grade I actually started to like school. I had a friendship group of about 5 people and we were all really super close. My grades were good and I got on really well with most of the teachers. The problem was that I actually only did things with my friends in school, outside of scholl we didn't do many things together. At that time, my mom opened her own bakery, it had been her dream since she was a small kid. My dad became a shift supervisor at a company. So my parents were hardly at home during the week. At the
end of the day I mostly had to study for school because I wanted good grades. It was getting dark outside, it was around December 2020. I met a boy, his name was Paul, one of the biggest mistakes. I loved him, he was 17 and I was 14. He was much more mature than me and was a terrible influence on me. I had to do what he said, eat what he said, and dress like he said. At the beginning of January he pushed me so far that I lost 5 kg because of him. I thought that was good because I gained about 20 kg from 2015-2020 and weighed about 80 kg. It bothered me a lot at the time because I was always the slim and beautiful one. I got compliments from my classmates and they encouraged me to continue. January started and before I could see I was in an eating disorder. It was over with Paul because I found out that he had often cheated on me. January 2021 and I still weighed 72 kg, at this point my parents slowly noticed that I had lost a lot of weight. But they didn't think of it as a big problem because I told them that I wanted to eat healthier and exercise a lot. They were even proud of me. Anyone who was or still is in an eating disorder can agree with me when I say that we are the most manipulative people. I lied to everyone, was always in a bad mood and pushed myself aside. The only thing that went through my head all day were calories, when do I do sport today, how can I lose more weight? February 2021 and I weighed 67 kg. That's when my girlfriends and my parents first realized that this wasn't healthy eating. Since my parents weren't at home, I didn't have to eat with them. So I din't eat at all. I was constantly cold, I treated everyone like shit, I grew hair on my arms because my body somehow tried to protect itself, I walked through the world with tunnel vision, I didn't remember anything anymore. I'm serious, I think my brain really shut down during this time. I only know a few things, but one thing I will never forget, Friday afternoon, we had had a break, I had nothing but an apple for 3 days. My friend ate a sandwich and wasn't hungry anymore and threw it in the trash can. I couldn't take it anymore, I knew it would knock me out at any moment. I was terribly hungry. So I waited for her to get out of the bathroom, I went to the trash can and took out the sandwitch. I ate it I just couldn't take more. I think I was still crying 4 days later because I told myself I would definitely look fatter now. The scales showed -3 kg. But I kept feeling fatter, why was that? I come to the conclusion that the scales must be broken. I was so desperate that I picked up these glass scales and hit them with full force on the ground. I stood in my bathroom surrounded by broken glass and cried terribly. The only thoughtts in my head was, why can't I just be skinny like everyone else? I didn't eat anything anymore, my friends tried to help me and encouraged me to eat. I lied them in their face and said I already had eaten something today. At the end of February I passed out for the first time. The moment my parents put me in a clinic for people with eating disorders. I hated them for the first time in my life. I yell at my mom why is she's doing this to me and why she wants me to get fat. That was also the first time I saw my father cry. It broke my heart. I became aware. At this point I weighed 59 kg, I reluctantly dropped almost 4 kg in the clinic because I started throwing up after every meal, when they found out I wasn't allowed to leave my room 2 hours before and after eating. I felt terribly lonely. I wasn't allowed to have my mobile phone, had no contact with my parents or friends. When the scales in the clinic showed a plus of 3 kilos 2 weeks later, my world collapsed. Everyone was so terribly happy for me. But I just felt gross, I hated myself so much. I felt more helpless than ever, thinking about what it would be like to be back at school, with my friends, in my father's arms. I wanted to play tennis, so I closed my eyes and imagined everything was the same as it used to be. I was standing on a tennis court, my coach was laughing at me. "That was a great serve , if you continue like this, I'll
register you for the Regionals championships."