Appeal Denied

2018-NYC-43: Judgment as a Matter of Law

June 21, 2018

I pace in front of the arena, shivering even in the warm temperatures of the early evening. The tickets burn my skin, even through the pocket of my jeans. Three times I spot girls with "Tickets Wanted" signs. Each time, I touch the paper Anne had left with me, wondering if I can do it. Sell them. Give them away. Not attend. Turn around, walk away, and drop the tickets in a trash can.

We are done, so what am I doing here? I don't have to continue this. Harry and I are finished. No more. Why am I staring at his face on the placards? The questions pound in my skull like the jackhammer across the street where street repairs are being done.

I know Kacey is on first at 8:00, and I feel slightly guilty for not going in to watch her as the time ticks to 8:22. After all, I have more of a connection to her than Harry these days. As her lawyer, I should use the free ticket to go in and see her performance. But my feet somehow are glued to this spot, my eyes unable to shift from the doorway.

Happiness for him seeps through me and swells in my chest. This is a huge milestone in his career, and the fact that he's at Madison Square Garden not one, but two nights as the headliner, is phenomenal. That he sold out both concerts is a testament to the talent he is. But seeing him again -- I'm afraid I'll fall down the rabbit hole. Listening to that music will rip my heart out and leave me wounded and barely breathing like before. If he and I still don't want the same things, then going in would be a huge mistake.

Taking a deep breath, I contemplate my next steps. Home? Or go see my ex-lover on stage oozing sex to thousands of women and men? I left him so I could live more. What's living if I can't go see the hottest male performer on the planet? Right? Nothing says I have to talk to Harry at all. Approaching a girl standing off to the side alone, I offer her one of my tickets.

"How much?" she warily asks.

"The price is that you don't scream in my ear too loudly since I'll be next to you."

She squeals, jumping up and down, then clamps her hand over her mouth. "Sorry," she whispers. Heading confidently and excitedly for the door, she glances back at me. "Coming?"

I step forward and hand my ticket to the attendant.

"Have fun," he tells me blandly, and my stomach starts to flip with excitement instead of nerves. The crowd is loud, milling about buying merchandise plastered with the saying from my tattoo. Watching them, I see that, for many of these fans, it's not just a slogan. They actually are treating each other with kindness. Taking turns. Letting others in front of them. Smiling. Hugging people they've known for a while but may have just met in person. It warms my cynical heart.

There's even a booth where fans can buy a water bottle with his logo and my slogan to refill at a water station. Helping out the earth. Several couples are wearing rainbow flags or rainbow clothing, and I am reminded again of Harry's core beliefs about people. He's a good egg. I've missed being around that.

Entering the actual arena, I am deafened by the cheers for Kacey. Finishing the final song with the pit audience singing along to High Horse, Kacey's smile lights up the space. My pride in her swells, and when the fans around me yell for her to perform another song, I'm filled with a cozy glow because Harry has chosen her to open for him on this leg of the tour.

As Kacey leaves the stage, we all watch the screen being dropped and Harry's animated hands playing with a Rubik's cube. The crowd is antsy, anticipating what's to come. The girl to whom I gave the ticket is blathering about how much she loves Harry, and how she tried to get a ticket, but they were sold out too quickly. She saw him twice with One Direction, but wasn't sure she would like his solo stuff, and now here she is, and isn't it exciting?