I am walking alone.

Goodness, I can't believe I woke up late, today! Well fortunately he's used to my clumsy side but I guess it's still very informal to look half alive when someone's paying you a visit, specially if they are your ex, haha.

It's been a year now, trust me I wouldn't have asked myself to scathe my scars again and meet him, but life throws misfortunes. He's apparently now working at the same company I work in.

I remember watching him walking inside my boss, Mr. Singh's office and me making my desperate attempt to either jump off the 9th floor or be invisible. But that was the moment I was introduced to my new colleague. We handled the encounter quite maturely, exchanged contacts and smalls talks. Trust me weekends are fun until it's Sunday's midnight and you are alone in your bed and reading your old oh so romantic poems.

Those who are about to question themselves about me or me anything, yes, I am single and yes I was the one who broke up. But I think this uneasiness is not because he's suddenly in my life but because he'll be there for different reasons. I want this to be as normal as now it could have been with someone else.

I messaged him, asking for a friendly meet at MY place. Partially because we would be saved with all the confusion while deciding for a place to meet and he knows damm too well where I live. Plus it's winter, I am not going outside even if it means that snow will be falling on my old wounds. So I guess a win.

I wanted to have a mature talk with him now that we are expected to have many professional interaction from now on. So this is my attempt to conceal all the uncomfortableness the past may bring. He was very supportive to the my request and agreed to it. We planned a suitable evening and things were clear.

I toasted some toast and lit my stove with tea. Baked some cookies. Surprisingly I found some uneaten chocolates in my refrigerator, yes, it's a miracle. I didn't plan any wine, because, yeah. I blazed the fireplace and make my messed up house appear warm and welcoming?

The doorbell rang and so did my will to end my life, haha, he's 5 minutes earlier. Haven't changed at all. I gathered my spooked face and drew a curve with my mouth and opened the door. He was standing there. His burgundy beanie. Layered clothes, and the same warm smile on his face.

I welcomed him in.

I figured after he went home how much I miss spending time with him. No, I was living that time with him. He was my time. The reason.

There were some awkward pauses when we were hanging out. We mostly talked about the post break-up time. He's dating someone else now (Trust me the most awkward of all awkward pauses). I felt this sudden burden, this heaviness inside me, but well I am quite amazing when it comes to not let emotions rule my expression. I can't blame him though, both because it's literally been a year and perhaps because he was the 'victim'.

I had my own reasons which he was aware of and we have already been through the post phase of giving closure and stuff. Why do you think it's so easy for us to sit beneath the same roof now where we once passionately fucked each other?

Somewhere I wanted us to last. Perhaps I still want him. But I figured as he was walking outside my house, when he didn't turn back after 13 steps to wave a bye, that he's not coming back. That he shouldn't come back. I will move on though. I learnt how brave my longings are. They aren't there to make me desperate, but to make me excited for love again.
Yes, I will be alright!